Birth certificate is released but more nonsense lies ahead

A misperception about presidential conception brought national headlines for Hawaii as we "flASHback" on the week’s news that amused and confused:

» President Barack Obama released his original Hawaii birth certificate to prove he was born in the USA, then immediately went on "Oprah" to reconnect with female voters. He’s worried he’ll lose his mystique with the ladies now that he’s admitted he’s not a foreigner.

» Donald Trump led the "birthers" in crowing about forcing Oba­ma’s hand. But according to The Boro­witz Report, Trump has his own problems with "balders" who claim he’s not 100 percent American because "the hair-like substance that crowns Mr. Trump’s head is from a foreign country."

» Short-handed staffers in the Aber­crom­bie administration were relieved that they’ll no longer have to work untold hours answering queries about the president’s birth. Until they realized, "Oh!, now we’ll have to work on reinventing the government."

» As adjournment nears, state legislators aren’t sure whether they’ve added enough revenue to balance their $21.9 billion budget for the next two years. They’re cutting it so close that the $14 Obama sent to pay for his birth certificate might make the difference.

» In their desperation for cash, lawmakers are exploring creative ways to tax Internet commerce. One popular idea is to send masked avatars after online gamers to threaten, "Your money or one of your lives."

» The new Board of Education kicked off its business by applauding ousted members of the old elected board. That’s the new aloha spirit for you: First you get the boot, then you get a hand.

» University of Hawaii students complained they’re getting nosebleed seats at UH sports events after being forced to pay a $50 athletics fee. Wait until the poor kids see the tuition increases for classes they can’t get seats in at all.

» Opponents want the state to start the whole proc­ess over on the "Big Wind" energy proj­ect on Lanai and Molokai. For one thing, they think it’s premature to name it after the governor.

» It’s time for neighborhood board elections, and voters will be able to cast ballots online or by telephone this year. Winning candidates serve two-year terms; losers have to serve four years.

» The rotting odor of death emanating from a rare "corpse flower" drew hundreds of new visitors to Hilo’s zoo. The flower blooms once a year to coincide with the waning days of the Legislature.

And the quote of the week … from Obama in explaining his Hawaii birth to Oprah: "Can I just say, I was there, so I knew that — I knew I had been born. I remembered it." Especially memorable were the three wise kupuna who brought him gifts of lau­lau, mochi crunch and li hing myrrh.

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David Shapiro can be reached at email volcanicash@gmail.com or blog.volcanicash.net.