On Thanksgiving Day 2009, I married the love of my life in British Columbia, Canada. Just before Thanksgiving this year, we will welcome home our first child. Despite holding a valid marriage license, as it now stands, our baby will be born into what Hawaii will only legally consider a civil union. Why won’t Hawaii recognize our marriage? We are a same-sex couple.
Like other expectant parents, we are eagerly preparing our baby’s room, taking childbirth classes, and politely enduring a barrage of unsolicited advice. We look forward to being parents, and expect this adventure to yield an abundance of joys. We know that like all parents we will also face sleepless nights, dirty diapers, fevers and other bumps in the road.
However, unlike other parents, we face some extra challenges. Although the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) unlawfully denied federal provisions to married same-sex couples, Hawaii’s civil union law bars us and all civil unioned couples from receiving full federal recognition.
According to the U.S. General Accounting Office, there are 1,138 federal protections afforded to married couples. Coverage for same-sex married couples is scattered. Civil unioned couples, on the other hand, are denied all these critical rights including Family and Medical Leave, immigration sponsorship, and access to COBRA insurance benefits.
The inconsistency in how we treat families of same-sex couples here in Hawaii goes against our shared values as a community. We cannot judge whether some families are more worthy of equal treatment than others based on anything but notions of simple justice and fairness. While a civil union may offer some solace, the bottom line is that nothing bears the same legal and social impact as marriage.
Religious opponents argue that marriage is a societal bond. I couldn’t agree more. I was raised to regard marriage as a social institution with social value and significance. Without question, I was influenced by and contributed to its ideal.
In our family, marriage was upheld as a tradition and an expectation. My parents have been married for 43 years, and I have always looked to their example. I have always hoped that I would find a person to marry, raise a family, and to spend the rest of my days with. Our marriage is what makes us family in their eyes.
My wife and I have been through much together to finally arrive at this point in our lives and in our marriage. To us, this child represents the culmination of our hard work, love and gratitude for each other, and — most of all — our desire to be good parents.
Our greatest wish is for our child to be born in a state that recognizes us as what we are — a married couple. This is not only our wish as parents, but also our parents’ wish for their grandchild.
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Valerie Smith is a teacher and former co-chairwoman of Equality Hawaii.
