A bit of March madness hits Hawaii’s political arena

March is behind us and it’s time to “flASHback” on the month’s news that amused and confused:

>> A new Hawaii Poll has Gov. David Ige trailing U.S. Rep. Colleen Hanabusa by 20 points in his bid for re-election, but he insists he’ll prevail after voters hear his message. He has all the confidence of Wile E. Coyote just before the anvil hits him.

>> Hanabusa, meantime, is racking up a pile of endorsements from labor unions and fellow politicians. Being elected to high office bears a strong resemblance to being made by the mob.

>> City officials revealed they used “placeholders” instead of real numbers for parts of the rail budget, causing millions in added costs. They couldn’t calculate the real numbers until the political IOUs came due.

>> The company that designed a pedestrian bridge that collapsed in Florida also helped design the Honolulu rail project. Not surprising, considering the rail budget was written by the people who also wrote “The Great Train Robbery.”

>> For the first time, the Caldwell administration wants to pay for rail shortfalls with city bonds — $44 million in 2019. Just when you thought there were no more rail promises that hadn’t yet been broken.

>> Hawaii emergency management officials released a heavily redacted recording of January’s ill-fated nuclear disaster exercise, claiming the full record could be used to prank the state. As if a prank could possibly be worse than what actually happened.

>> Terrified callers to 911 after the false missile alert were initially advised by baffled operators to turn on CNN for information. For conspiracy theories, they were advised to turn on Fox News.

>> After state officials threatened to sweep a Waianae homeless camp to make way for a federally funded marine center, Ige admitted there was no marine center and no federal money. So now they’re messing with poor people just for the fun of it?

>> Lt. Gov. Doug Chin visited Mililani High to serve students kalua pig from the first state-approved imu. A state-approved imu is an underground oven with the temperature set to half-baked.

>> The U.S. Conference of Mayors will return here in 2019 and Honolulu Mayor Kirk Caldwell enthused, “Great ideas in our country and around the world come out of our cities, and it starts with the mayors.” Present company excepted.

>> Former House Speaker Joe Souki, 84, agreed to resign after being accused of sexual misconduct, but said he had no memory of inappropriate touching. Cop a feel, cop a plea, cop an AARP discount.

And the quote of the month … from Rep. Sean Quinlan (D, Waialua-­Kahuku-Waiahole), opposing a bill to ban drunken “floatillas” offshore: “I like to drink beer in the ocean. I think a lot of people like to drink beer in the ocean.” Some legislators get their best ideas this way.

Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com.