Envisioning a partnership of fast food and Big Pharma

Imagine if one of the nation’s largest fast-food chains merged with a major pharmaceutical company. The alliance would ensure a robust supply chain of high-fructose corn syrup, saturated fat and salt into the stomachs of consumers and optimize sales of medication for obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease. The business model for this proposed partnership could also sell more burgers.

Recognizing that the fast-food partner realized its success by focusing on convenience and taste at competitive cost, the pharmaceutical partner would refine its products to suit.

The new company could develop a single tablet that contains medication to lower blood sugar, blood pressure and cholesterol. The pills would be manufactured with tasty, artificially flavored and brightly colored coating and pressed into amusing shapes. Popular names for the new pharmaceutical product generated by focus groups may include "Life Savors" and "SillyPillys."

The fast-food chain would apply for dual status as a pharmacy so that medication could be dispensed close to the source. The idea is that customers could pick up their burgers, fries and cola together with their medication at the same cash register. Their merchandisers would likely find a way of integrating medication into the menu. With this strategy a customer could go to the Drive Thru and order the Liberty MedMeal No. 2, which would include a superlarge cola together with a grape-flavored Life Savor that would have a little extra diabetes medication.

Pharmacists will be trained to work in the kitchen in collaboration with the short-order cooks. Health providers will be placed conveniently inside one of the transparent plastic bubbles on property in the children’s playground but far enough from any jumpy castles to ensure quiet during patient interviews. This way, parents can keep an eye on their children during the clinic visit.

During phase two of the merger, the new conglomerate might add laboratories. Upon request, patients actually could be tested before ordering their meal. If, for example, their Life Savor medication is too strong, the health provider could recommend a meal with fat boost in order to keep cholesterol in balance.

To build brand loyalty, the fast-food chain and the pharmaceutical partner would train psychologists and social workers to work as greeters in the new full-service restaurants. The principle objective of the greeting encounter is to ensure that customers experience a sense of freedom and self-determination as they consume the fast food together with their flavored pharmaceuticals.

To ensure safety, greeters will emphasize the importance of compliance and frankly discuss the risks of eating burgers and fries without the Life Savors or SillyPillys as the case may be. They will also warn against taking the medication without eating the tasty fast food.

The company would fund a strong lobbying effort in Washington to garner support for an amendment to the Affordable Care Act that would provide for Liberty MedMeal subsidies through state insurance exchanges. The lobbyists would provide legislators with samples in significant quantities as a positive, bipartisan gesture. Support would grow among those who believe the fast-food and pharmaceutical companies’ merger enhances access to quality health care and good-tasting food at a reasonable cost to society.

 Ira “Kawika” Zunin, M.D., M.P.H., M.B.A., is a practicing physician. He is medical director of Manakai o Malama Integrative Healthcare Group and Rehabilitation Center and CEO of Global Advisory Services Inc. Please submit your questions to info@manakaiomalama.com.