Advocates of gay marriage need be generous in victory

Several months ago, before the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act, I was chatting with a 9-year-old about her diverse circle of friends.

As she talked about their domestic situations, I noticed that she drew no distinction between straight marriage and gay marriage; it was all just marriage to her.

That’s when I was struck by the truth of what the polls have been telling us for some time: The long debate over same-sex marriage effectively has been decided; some folks just haven’t realized it yet.

Most national polls show that general support for marriage equality is over 50 percent, but the most telling number is that for those under 30 — the ones who will ultimately make the decision if their elders don’t — support is 80 percent in some polls.

"Our generation, those in their 20s and 30s, often find this to be a non-issue," says Hawaii state Rep. Chris Lee, 32.

Lee wants his generation to take the lead in extending the American legacy of equality sooner rather than later, and he was one of the most persistent voices pushing for the Oct. 28 special session of the Legislature that will likely settle the issue in Hawaii.

You can feel the sense of inevitability in the relatively muted opposition compared to when the battle first raged 20 years ago.

Opponents seemed to lose much of their starch when even Pope Francis, responding to growing worldwide acceptance of marriage equality, moved to temper the Catholic Church’s fixation on the issue.

In Hawaii, we still hear a few shrill warnings of immorality and destruction of the family, but many opponents see the writing on the wall and are focused on winning the strongest possible religious exemption to protect churches from having to participate in solemnizing marriages that are against their beliefs.

If gay marriage advocates are smart, they’ll be generous in victory and join most of the 13 other states that have legalized same-sex marriage in providing a broad religious exemption.

Gay rights groups have a right to resent the intolerance shown by some churches in the marriage fight, but it would be a mistake to use their newfound political muscle to respond with similar intolerance toward constitutionally protected religious freedom.

"A majority of states recognize that same-sex marriage should not be a tool to dismantle people’s religious beliefs," says Hawaii state Rep. Marcus Oshiro. "Tolerance … is a two-way street."

Of all the divisions that afflict our country, the religious divide is perhaps the most ominous, and from what we’ve learned in other troubled parts of the world, it has the most potential to become a shooting war if Americans can’t learn to respect and accommodate our differences again.

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Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com or blog.volcanicash.net.