Orange is the new black for Republicans in Hawaii

The 2016 presidential clown car passed through Hawaii as we “flASHback” on March news that amused and confused:

>> Hawaii Republicans gave Donald Trump a big win in presidential caucuses. It’s fitting, they thought, for the state that produced the first black president to help elect the first orange president.

>> Bernie Sanders’ wife, Jane, campaigned here to counter Hillary Clinton’s appeal among women. He’s the only Democrat who would keep the job of first lady in female hands.

>> Gov. David Ige scolded legislators for moving too slowly on his promise to cool 1,000 school classrooms this year. That’s rich coming from a governor who moves at the speed of an afternoon nap.

>> Hawaii joined other states in banning new cesspools, despite objections from legislators led by House Speaker Joe Souki. They fear the governor is destroying their natural habitat.

>> State Rep. Sylvia Luke pushed a bill making it easier for lawmakers to use their campaign funds to finance other candidates. Our legislators are so flush from being bought by special interests that now they can afford to buy their own politicians.

>> A state officer ordered slack-key legend Ledward Kaapana to stop playing his guitar while waiting for a flight at Honolulu Airport. It wouldn’t be fair to let beautiful music distract visitors from enjoying the creaks and groans of our dilapidated airport.

>> The state Department of Commerce and Consumer Affairs will hold a Financial Literacy Fair on April 1 in Tamarind Park. This is an April Fool’s prank, right? Learning financial smarts from the state is like learning table manners from Tyrannosaurus rex.

>> Mayor Kirk Caldwell pleaded with the City Council to back his housing policy, and in response, Council Chairman Ernie Martin offered a box of Kleenex. The mess these two make of the city is better cleaned with a roll of Charmin.

>> A $31 million city contract will supply future Oahu rail commuters with “smart cards.” If only they could be inserted into the heads of rail policymakers.

>> The Honolulu Zoo may have to return 90 animals loaned by other zoos after losing national accreditation because of poor city stewardship. Can’t we please keep the animals and return the mayor and City Council?

>> The Honolulu Police Commission gave Chief Louis Kealoha a glowing review, saying he “exceeds expectations.” Only if expectations are endless scandal, promoting a domestic abuser and being investigated by the FBI.

>> A grand jury indicted Hawaii County Mayor Billy Kenoi for charging $129,000 in personal expenses, luxury travel and hostess bars on his county “pCard.” The mayor will be arraigned on six counts of “pHew.”

And the quote of the month … from state Rep. Bob McDermott to fellow House Republicans: “Do your (expletive) job.” It seems the only job left for isle Republicans is to crudely attack one another.

Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com or blog.volcanicash.net.