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Saturday, December 20, 2014         

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Do you hear what I hear? Yuletide adages ring true

By David Shapiro

POSTED:



Somehow it doesn't feel right to joke about the news on Christmas morning, so instead I'll mark the day by sharing with you some of my favorite quotations about the season:

» "Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves." — Eric Sevareid

» "There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child." — Erma Bombeck

» "Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know ... the birth of Santa." — Bart Simpson

» "Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us ... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird ... a social being capable of actual affection ... nuzzling its young with almost humanlike compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family." — Berkeley Breathed

» "Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it." — Richard Lamm

» "Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." — Dennis Miller

» "One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don't clean it up too quickly." — Andy Rooney

» "If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble." — Bob Hope

» "The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." — Jay Leno

» "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was 6. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." — Shirley Temple

» "I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark." — Dick Gregory

» "The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to." — P.J. O'Rourke

» "The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." — Joan Rivers

» "Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." — Mark Twain

» "New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time." — James Agate

David Shapiro can be reached at volcanicash@gmail.com or blog.volcanicash.net.






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