POSTED: 1:30 a.m. HST, Dec 20, 2012
Today they’ll introduce new University of Hawaii athletic director Ben Jay to the public, his staff, coaches and parking space.
This is all well and good, of course.
But what the new guy really needs is someone to give him the lay of the land, pointing out some of the land mines in Manoa that have claimed the last two ADs before the expiration of their contracts.
This is where we, at what is sure to become Jay’s favorite newspaper, come in with 20 helpful hints not to be missed or found anyplace else.
Hint No. 1 — Never, ever ask, “Hey, anybody here ever done a wire money transfer before?”
No. 2 — It might not sound like much, but keep the soap dispensers in the players’ shower rooms fully stocked at all times.
No. 3 — If somebody comes to the department with a can’t-miss idea for a fundraising concert, call Tom Moffatt.
No. 4 — If your secretary says state Sen. Donna Mercado Kim is on the line, take her call immediately and don’t attempt to obfuscate or bloviate.
No. 5 — Fill all 13 games on your football schedule every season — and do it early.
No. 6 — Don’t bother to look behind the sofa cushions in your office for small change, the two previous ADs already have.
No. 7 — Anytime an upper campus administrator uses the word “transparency,” get suspicious.
No. 8 — You probably shouldn’t wonder out loud, “How come nobody lives in that swell place atop College Hill?”
No. 9 — If the governor happens to offer a “suggestion” either take it or tape record it.
No. 10 — Get attorney David F. Simons on personal retainer.
No. 11 — Don’t ask the Board of Regents where they keep the rubber stamp.
No. 12 — If somebody in Hawaii Hall lauds your “incredible talents” or talks about you “doing even greater things about the core mission of the university connecting with the community,” start looking for a moving company.
No. 13 — When it comes time to talk budgets, tell the powers that be you’ll take the same amount they spend on lawyers and public relations people.
No. 14 — Get to know Wahine volleyball coach Dave Shoji and pray that you don’t have to shop for his successor anytime soon.
No. 15 — When you sign a coach to a contract, don’t let it get sucked into the Bachman Hall black hole.
No. 16 — Take the search committee that made you a finalist out to dinner for a job well done under pressure. Just don’t hire a limo or expense a bottle of Dom Perignon to do it with.
No. 17 — Don’t tell football coach Norm Chow you’ll get started on the new locker room as soon as the season is over — he’s already heard that one.
No. 18 — Always make sure to invite the UH president to your stadium suite on road football games.
No. 19 — Be wary when the people above you tell you to make the head football coach a buyout offer he can’t refuse.
No. 20 — When in doubt on a big decision, ask yourself, “What would Stan Sheriff do?” and hope he sends inspiration your way.
Reach Ferd Lewis at firstname.lastname@example.org or 529-4820.