POSTED: 01:30 a.m. HST, Apr 27, 2011
LAST UPDATED: 02:11 p.m. HST, Apr 27, 2011
You can call them the ultimate reality shows. They meet the criteria of not having anything to do with OUR reality.
One is about guys most of us will never meet getting their first jobs out of college. The other is about a couple none of us know, getting married in a faraway land.
The NFL Draft and the Royal Wedding. They've already combined to suck all the air out of TV viewing rooms everywhere this week, and they don't even get underway until tomorrow. They've bumped real news, like whether Jim Tressel will be canned, or if Meat Loaf can survive another week on Celebrity Apprentice.
They're disrupting bliss, marital and otherwise, as couples fight over remote controls for all the pre-draft and pre-nup rituals and the latest dopey dope. The battlelines are clearly along gender lines (among those who care at all, that is). But, as my friend David Kawamoto describes it, there is at least a little "Women are from Mars and men are from Venus" element at play here.
The last time there was a royal wedding, in 1981, it would've been hard to find women more interested in LT's 40 time than Lady Di's dress. Now they're everywhere.
One of my favorites is my old, sorry, I mean, former mixed-league softball teammate, Ann Gustafson Mathews.
"I absolutely do care about the draft and could give a (bleep) about the stupid royal wedding. But then I'm also the girl who only had a wedding with the whole dress and chocolate fountain thing because my parents wouldn't let me have a barbecue like I wanted.
"I don't care what dress she's going to wear or what a proper wedding hat looks like or what kind of food will be served. ... But I absolutely care about fashion and food. I was totally pissed when they (bleeped) around and changed the Bronco logo and colors and I had to get new jerseys and hats. And I am an expert taster of nacho cheese dip and hot wings."
Men more interested in the wedding than the draft are harder to find. But Star-Advertiser fashion editor Nadine Kam got me in touch with Tyson Joines.
The up-and-coming fashionista owns a jewelry company and does PR for Disfunkshion quarterly. He also played varsity baseball and volleyball at Mililani High School. His brother, Sean, was a great pitcher at Kamehameha, and his first cousin, Dominic Raiola, starts at center for his favorite NFL team, the Detroit Lions.
Other than checking on which rookies will join Raiola in Honolulu blue, Joines vows to focus on the vows.
"I work for a fashion magazine, so I'd better be paying attention. I'm definitely very excited about it. It's the first time in 30 years. It's very historic. Monumental."
Joines and I agree the events are similar at their core. Both are distractions from reality.
NFL fans can take their minds off the labor strife that is far from settled.
Royals fans can forget about their team's four-game losing streak.
Personally, I cared about the draft back when I had a favorite team. Now I'm mostly interested in how the guys from Hawaii and UH fare.
"That's what the draft is all about I think, focusing on your team and who they get," said Stefanie Nakasone, formerly of this paper's sports staff and now with the Maui News. She claims to not care much about Kate and William either, but I think the accomplished baker will sneak a peek at the wedding cake.
Here's how some other pundits from the cyber water cooler (my Facebook wall) weighed in:
Steve Murray (Midweek columnist): "I'm not interested in either but I would make Kate Middleton a top draft pick!"
Robert Curran (not that one): "Watch out, Mr. Bean is going to do something hilarious!"
Rodney Tam (not that one): "Likely the last time in my lifetime to see the future King of England married. It's what fairy tales are made of. Versus betting on overpaid athletes who contribute so little to the real world. (My wife told me to say that. You can have my ‘man card' now)."
Russell Shimooka (yeah, that one): "I heard Kate can play cover corner!!!!!"
Line of the day goes to Laurie Arakaki (filmmaker and Niners fanatic): "Patrick Peterson and the San Francisco 49ers, now that would be a royal wedding."
Correction: Kate Middleton and Prince William are getting married Thursday night. An earlier version of this story implied that Middleton and Prince Harry are getting married.