Some words of ‘wisdom’ go better with strong nog

It wouldn’t be in the seasonal spirit to make fun of public officials on Christmas Eve, so I’ll let their actions speak for themselves this week and share with you some of my favorite holiday quotations:

» "I do like Christmas on the whole. … In its clumsy way, it does approach peace and good will. But it is clumsier every year." — E.M. Forster

» "Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas." — Kin Hubbard

» "Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know … the birth of Santa." — Bart Simpson

» "In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’" — Dave Barry

» "I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’" — Bernard Manning

» "Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live." — Dennis Miller

» "The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other." — Burton Hillis

» "If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble." — Bob Hope

» "The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin." — Jay Leno

» "A good conscience is a continual Christmas." — Benjamin Franklin

» "The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." — Johnny Carson

» "Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." — Victor Borge

» "Dear Santa, I’m writing to let you know that I’ve been naughty … and it was worth it, you fat, judgmental bastard." — Unknown

» "Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered." — Phyllis Diller

» "Roses are reddish, violets are bluish, if it weren’t for Christmas, we’d all be Jewish." — Benny Hill

» "Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect." — Oren Arnold

Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com or blog.volcanicash.net.