In UHSpeak, what they say is not really what you get

You’ll find more than 30 languages, from Arabic to Vietnamese, in the University of Hawaii course list for the fall semester.

Unfortunately, UHSpeak isn’t one of them.

And, wouldn’t you know that is the tongue prevalent among the current system and campus upper administration — at least those who deign to communicate with the outside world at all. Not counting money wire transfers, that is.

Sadly, however, UHSpeak is an argot largely unintelligible to the rest of the campus and community, those of us schooled in plain English and lacking in the arts of obfuscation.

Which is why we have confusion over what’s really going on in the wake of the Stevie Wonder concert fiasco and the reassigning of athletic director Jim Donovan.

It isn’t that Manoa Chancellor Tom Apple and the folks above him aren’t being straight with us as much as we’re not all speaking the same language.

For example, while we might think that $200,000 is a small fortune, in UHSpeak it equates to "maybe some money." And "plan to repurpose" is a UHSpeak solution for almost anything while saying nothing.

So, in an attempt to smooth out the misunderstandings of the past few days we offer a handy translation guide to what they say up in the ivory towers and what it means down on Earth:

What they say: "I’m being forthright."

What they mean: "The president will dangle me by my ankles from the Bachman Hall roof if I tell you what I really think."

What they say: "Jim is a gentleman who has conducted himself with great honor during this difficult period."

What they mean: "He could have sued the pants off all of us while we left him hanging like that."

What they say: "(Political pressure?) Absolutely not."

What they mean: "Have the knots on my head gone down yet?"

What they say: "I’m seeing there is a bit of uncertainty in some (UH policies)."

What they mean: "Don’t sweat it. We’ll probably figure it all out before the next concert."

What they say: "Let me say the investigator is not reporting to me."

What they mean: "The president will tell me what to do when the time comes."

What they say: "I’m delighted to have Jim on my team."

What they mean: "I just hope to hell he blocks for me at the next regents meeting."

What they say: "He has done a fantastic job."

What they mean: "If I say it enough to make you believe it, then I get to keep mine."

What they say: "I think we are all excited about moving forward."

What they mean: "Forward, sideways, whatever, can we just please go on to the next mess ’cause this is giving me a headache?"

What they say: "We become better by going through these things."

What they mean: "Whew! Thankfully this one was on the last chancellor’s watch."

What they say: "We had a lot of good people trying to do good things for the university."

What they mean: "Especially the ones who were gonna get us front-row seats for the concert."

What they say: "I’ve only been on the job a little over a month."

What they mean: "At this rate, do you think I’ll make three months?"

What they say: "This is a national search and anybody can apply."

What they mean: "What do I care, it won’t be my call."

Reach Ferd Lewis at flewis@staradvertiser.com or 529-4820.