Openness fortified interfaith marriage

As a child growing up in New Jersey, Sandra Armstrong never felt the envy some Jewish children experience when their Christian friends get to open oodles of gifts, hang decorations on a fragrant tree and enjoy other glitzy festivities of Christmas.

"I did visualize Santa Claus flying over my house with reindeer, but I knew Santa Claus didn’t stop at our house" because Jewish people don’t celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, Armstrong said.

Getting the customary presents every night during Hanukkah, the eight-day Jewish Festival of Lights, compensated for any feeling of want during the holidays, she added. But celebrations got more complicated when she married a Christian, Don Armstrong, 35 years ago and had children.

Sandra Armstrong, a special-education teacher, wrote about conflict and compromise in an interfaith marriage in "A Jewish Girl & a Not-So-Jewish Boy," a recently released e-book on amazon.com.

In the foreword she writes, "When Christmas falls on a Saturday (the Jewish Sabbath), some Jews will be in synagogue praying. But many will be conflicted (if) their non-Jewish spouse is at home opening Christmas presents. … Or at Christmas dinner, sharing the holiday ham with relatives, they may secretly hide their pork under the table," as Jews aren’t permitted to eat the nonkosher item.

The couple belongs to Congregation Sof Ma’arav, a Conservative Hono­lulu synagogue, and is inviting members to celebrate Hanukkah tonight at their Kailua home for the eighth year. Don Armstrong, Sof Ma’arav’s president, said his conversion to Judaism gradually occurred but became official 10 years ago when they moved to Hawaii.

Although her parents weren’t particularly observant Jews, Sandra Armstrong said she attended synagogue regularly with friends in a community that was 40 percent Jewish. It became "very, very important" to her that her children be raised Jewish if she married someone of a different faith, she said.

Don Armstrong said he agreed to her condition because "in terms of values, there’s very little difference (between Judaism and Christianity), since Christianity evolved out of Judaism. … I don’t have a problem with God presenting himself in different ways to different people."

His tolerance was instilled in college, when he accompanied friends to their church, synagogue or a Buddhist or Hindu temple, he said, adding, "You can see the common threads of the different religions."

Early in their marriage they celebrated Christmas and Hanukkah together. Though their children were taught they were Jewish from the beginning, Sandra Armstrong explained to the two eldest why they had a Christmas tree and exchanged presents: "We’re going to do this for Daddy. … It was all about honoring his family and honoring his wishes."

Her husband had been so open to her faith and raising their children as Jews that "I felt I needed to be open at the time for him. I loved his family and was very close to them. I didn’t lose my identity by celebrating (Christmas) with them," she said. An interfaith marriage involves "a lot of communication and openness with each other. If two people are so firm in their beliefs and there’s no give either way, that’s more problematic," she said.

By the time their third child was born, the couple had deepened its commitment to the Jewish faith — "We were evolving Jewishly" — and no longer celebrated Christmas in their home, but only at his parents’ or grandparents’ houses, she said.

A key part of Don Armstrong’s conversion was the family’s move to Ridgewood, N.J., in 1983, where they were active members of the close-knit Temple Israel. The couple gained a wealth of knowledge, learned Hebrew to augment their faith and ultimately became kosher at home, she said, observing strict Jewish traditions.

Sandra Armstrong said that many religions have "a season of miracles," which are something that can’t be seen or touched, but "whether you’re celebrating Hanukkah or you’re celebrating Christmas, you know that God is a big part of it."