Please enjoy some favorite holiday quotations as an expression of my yuletide wishes, or as Ogden Nash so beautifully put it, "Merry Christmas, NEARLY everybody."

» "Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ." — Bart Simpson

» "There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus." — Bob Phillips

» "Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." — Dave Barry

» "Blast this Christmas music. It’s joyful and triumphant." — The Grinch

» "Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip." — Gary Allan

» "Anyone who believes men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present." — Unknown

» "The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." — Joan Rivers

» "Christmas is a time when you get homesick … even when you’re home." — Carol Nelson

» "Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." — Mark Twain

» "New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time." — James Agate

» "I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up; they have no holidays." — Henny Youngman

» "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way." — Frank Costanza in "Seinfeld."

» "Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving." — Erma Bombeck

» "Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." — Johnny Carson

» "People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the 25th of December." — Ogden Nash

» "If you want me to sing this Christmas song with the feeling and the meaning, you better see if you can locate that check." — Mahalia Jackson

» "That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me." —Jerry Seinfeld

» "The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to." — P.J. O’Rourke

» "Dear Santa, I’m writing to let you know I’ve been naughty … and it was worth it, you fat, judgmental bastard." — Unknown

» "I’m getting too old for this." — Santa in "Elf"

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Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com or blog.volcanicash.net.