Shannon Tuimaleali‘ifano, a Kapolei homemaker and mother of three, will tell you she once thought the answer to the overwhelming stress in her life was suicide.
Her husband thought that, too. His life — their marriage — had changed in a single, bone-shattering moment while he was deployed with a U.S. Army special forces unit in Afghanistan. In that spring of 2007, Sualauvi "Sua" Tuimaleali‘ifano went from strapping soldier to quadriplegic.
It was a burden Shannon Tuimaleali‘ifano thought she could not shoulder. She had a toddler and two young children. She pushed a wheelchair as often as she did a stroller.
"There are times that I can’t remember, days blurred by in an emotional heap," she said. "Lots of times I was together and getting things done. On other days I was walking around in a daze, not remembering if I fed my kids."
None of that will be forgotten on this Mother’s Day, but it’s become a distant memory. With a strong Christian faith, determination and love, the Tuimaleali‘ifanos have persevered. They’re still a family.
And Shannon Tuimaleali‘ifano, 38, no longer thinks of ending her life.
She thinks about how to live it.
"Breathe, pray, repeat," she said.
BOTH SHANNON and Sua Tuimaleali’ifano were in the Army when they met at Fort Bragg, N.C. She was a medical technician and he was a paratrooper in a field artillery unit. He grew up in Kalihi and graduated from Farrington High School in 1997. She was raised in a military family and moved around a lot.
They wed in 2000, on the day before the groom’s birthday.
The couple had children right away — two by the time Sua Tuimaleali‘ifano left for his second tour to Afghanistan in 2007 and a third a month after he left.
During the deployment, Tuimaleali‘ifano broke his neck when he fell out of a vehicle during a firefight. Without X-ray equipment in the field, his injury was not immediately diagnosed. When he fell a second time, the damage was irreparable.
"Basically, he fell one too many times," Shannon Tuimaleali‘ifano said.
The injury required more than a year of recovery and rehabilitation at the James A. Haley Veterans’ Hospital in Tampa, Fla. In 2009, Tuimaleali‘ifano brought her husband home to an uncertain future.
"When he returned, we realized how different our lives would be," she said. "He was 28 years old when hurt and looking at a medical retirement. I immediately became unemployed because he couldn’t safely be home alone."
They moved to Hawaii to be closer to family and friends, but it wasn’t enough, Tuimaleali‘ifano said.
"When we first came home, I almost had a nervous breakdown," she said. "None of the services were established, and I was nursing an infant so I barely got any sleep at all between him and the baby. Our marriage was struggling because we were trying to mentally cope and physically recover."
The couple considered divorce numerous times, and both contemplated suicide.
"In the end we learned to forgive ourselves as much as we learned to forgive each other," Shannon Tuimaleali‘ifano said. "We learned to be patient and share our hurts. We trusted God even when we didn’t trust ourselves or each other."
The Tuimaleali‘ifanos learned that faith and helping others would keep them focused and positive, she said. In addition to attending services at Word of Life Christian Center, the family prays together every night and holds Bible study in the living room on Sundays.
Sua Tuimaleali‘ifano, 35, doesn’t talk much about his life, except to say he’s lucky. Other wounded veterans aren’t so fortunate, he said.
"I’m blessed to have a family that helps me," he said. "I knew my job was harsh and dangerous, but I loved my job."
FROM EXERCISE to dispensing medicine, Tuimaleali‘ifano’s care has become a family affair. All of their children — sons Moe, 13, and Mana, 7, and daughter Aolele, 11 — know basic nursing care, like how to administer their father’s medicine.
"They all know how to empty his urine bag," his wife said.
Tuimaleali‘ifano’s recovery continues. He’s regained use of the large muscles in his arms, so he can push himself in a wheelchair. He also can also feed himself and transfer between his bed and wheelchair on his own. By wedging a pencil between his fingers, he can use a touch-screen phone and computer.
He’s even being fitted for a modified truck so he can drive.
"The boost to his independence with that one piece of equipment will be phenomenal," his wife said. "The same fire and personal determination that made him such an effective special-operations soldier keeps him motivated to continue to maintain his muscle tone, bone density and the reawakening of nerve endings."
Despite her husband’s progress, Shannon Tuimaleali‘ifano rarely has time to herself. Skilled nurses visit the home a few hours each week to assist with bathing, dressing and meals, and during those times she runs errands, does laundry, exercises or just rests.
"These few hours a week made a tremendous difference in my ability to be able to care for him and our children effectively," she said.
The medical services Sua Tuimaleali‘ifano needs — even something as basic as a checkup — are not always available in the islands, so trips to the mainland are required. Traveling is understandably difficult, and the family is considering a move back to the mainland.
"We have to choose between healing or home," Shannon Tuimaleali‘ifano said. "We can’t have both."
ADVOCATING on behalf of veterans with medical needs has helped Tuimaleali‘ifano cope with her husband’s situation.
As an Elizabeth Dole Fellow, she visited Washington, D.C., last month to meet with members of Congress and attended White House events that centered on ideas to strengthen the care of wounded service members and provide support to caregivers.
She would like to see improvements in veterans’ medical care and support services in Hawaii.
"Our home is not the mainland, and support should be available in all 50 states, not just the ones where it is convenient or inexpensive to provide it," she said.
She also works with the Wounded Warrior Project, Fisher House Foundation and Operation Homefront — all organizations that support military families.
Her husband gets involved, too. Together, the couple counsels younger soldiers who might not have strong family support systems. Tuimaleali‘ifano developed and teaches a class at her church designed around the military experience for women.
"We want to continue that mission even though we’re no longer in uniform," she said. "It’s our form of self-therapy."
Their children have learned from their parents’ example. In 2012, Moe participated in the People to People Student Ambassador program, visiting Australia and conducting Bible study for other youths from Hawaii, California and Texas. He was a semifinalist for this year’s Operation Homefront Military Child of the Year Award.
On Sundays he helps with child care, ushering, setup and cleanup at church.
Aolele organized an annual Halloween campaign at school and in the neighborhood to collect canned goods and hygiene products instead of candy, giving the items to a Barbers Point veterans shelter and the church food bank. She’s also collected items for Kids Hurt Too Hawaii, an organization that helps children who have experienced loss, separation or trauma. Her mom volunteers with the group as a grief counselor.
The stress Tuimaleali‘ifano felt when first coping with her husband’s injuries may not be as extreme as it once was, but when the reality of her life begins to catch up with her, she turns to a familiar mantra:
"Breathe, pray, repeat."
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