Drivers flex mental muscle to stave off gridlock stress

What goes through your mind when you’re stuck in traffic?

Yeah, never mind. That kind of language is unprintable.

Oahu has become a place so beset with commuter chaos that a day with no scheduled road work and no surprise road closures is rare and almost shocking. There’s the rail construction on the west side, the god-awful lane closures for resurfacing on H-1 near Aiea, the never-ending cycle of road and sewer and tree work on Kalanianaole, and all manner of torn-up streets on the Windward side. Farrington Highway through Nanakuli and Waianae is in a category all by itself. Add to the scheduled work random stuff like the oil spill on H-1 earlier this week, rain showers that make Oahu drivers freak out and ride the brakes, and “Hawaii Five-0” shutting down part of H-3 for filming. (A TV show is not worth shutting down the H-3. Sorry, not sorry.)

So what do you do with all that wasted time in your car? As the driver, options are limited. Passengers can play “Tsum Tsum” on their phone, post selfies on Instagram, hang their feet out the window, whatever, but the driver has to stay alert and ready to roll forward as soon as another 3 feet of roadway opens up or risk incurring the wrath of Mr. Angsty right behind.

“I look into other people’s cars and make up stories in my mind about who they are and why he’s with her or she’s with him and where they’re going. Usually to the beat of whatever song is on the radio. I know, weird, but it takes away the stress of the traffic,” said Realtor Donna Aukai.

“My smartphone is a godsend,” said Aito Simpson Steele, who lives in town and works at Aulani. “It lets me know how long I’ll be stuck, suggests alternate routes — which aren’t many in Honolulu — lets me tell work that I’ll be late and then gives me something to listen to while I incrementally move forward. Lots and lots of podcasts help me survive.”

Others entertain entrepreneurial thoughts as they wait out the gridlock.

“Ho brah, I could make bank selling bottled water and Spam musubis,” John Sasan joked. He imagines walking through the rows of cars like a food barker at a baseball game. “Get your beer, ahi poke, water, aspirin, shishi bottle, bedpan and Mayor Caldwell or Gov. Ige bobblehead doll!”

Unlike mainland freeways where you can pull off at rest stops and motels every couple of miles, when you’re stuck on Oahu, you’re REALLY stuck. There’s no changing your mind, no turning back — except for those guys who got scoldings from Danielle Tucker for driving BACKWARDS to get off the H-3 last week. For shame!

Edene Edwards of Mililani Mauka has a super-detailed plan for making the most of that dead time. She packs a “traffic task basket” filled with magazines, a sketch pad (“to sketch ideas that pop into my head on home decor and a home extension for the moopuna that might end up living with us one day”), bills to pay, Spanish CDs, a garment that needs mending along with needle and matching thread, a can of coconut water, some chewy SweeTarts, some receipts to organize for taxes, and trash bags, wipes and tape for bathroom emergencies. (… You figure that out.) “In the back I keep some small quilts, a cotton pillowcase if gotta make a tourniquet, big bandages and scissors (in case someone is bleeding from a car accident). I also keep a flashlight and something to bonk someone on the head if they come and try and cause trouble to me.”

How’s that, yeah? Makes you want to be stuck with her.

The saddest, truest statement of all is that for many commuters, racing from a job that pays them enough to own a home to a neighborhood where they can afford a house, sitting in traffic is pretty much the only time they get to sit down.

Marya Takamori lives in Mililani Mauka and runs a business in Sand Island. “Traffic is my down time,” she said.

That’s a sign that the world is upside-down — when you start to look forward to things you hate.