Adoption stories usually make news when they are negative. The excellent piece by Sophie Cocke, “The Missing Piece,” which ran in last Sunday’s Star-Advertiser, presented a more bittersweet story, scratching the surface of this complex issue. As an adoption counselor, employed for the past 25 years by Hawaii International Child, I’ve recently seen a remarkable increase in adoption records requests.

While our work creating families through adoption continues, our new work — reuniting family members — has become an important part of our community service. With a commitment to human rights and an awareness of the law, we’ve been able to reunite families, in spite of the current law.

One of the most crucial human development stages involves the process of individuating from one’s parents. The question of who we are and what we’re meant to accomplish in life is more easily answered within the context of where we come from. As the mother of five children, two adopted, I take heart in the power of nurture and equally respect the inextricability of nature. I know that my (adopted) children have questions I cannot answer. For some adoptees, such as the many adopted from China, access to birth family information may be difficult, if not impossible. When records exist, and when they exist within reach, withholding this life-changing information seems hard to justify.

I understand the issues. I’ve sat across from birth mothers and adoptive families who insist on secrecy. The reasons are often practical, fear-based, or are born from a sense of what is best for the child. I know that birth parents remain connected to their children until death, and that children remain loyal to the parents who raise them in nearly all cases. Some worry that children won’t be able to make sense of who’s who in cases of open adoption, but in my experience, children are much wiser than we believe.

A few months ago, I got a call from “B”. She and her husband had placed a son for adoption at birth 31 years ago. Not a week had passed that “B” hadn’t wondered about her birth son. We were able to find him, he agreed to contact, we arranged a mediated phone call, and a month later, birth mom and dad and son reunited.

Other joyful cases include a middle-aged woman seeking her half-sister and her 80-year-old (adoptive) mother; a son who was able to hug his birth father, mother, half-sister and tutu for the first time on his 29th birthday.

In each of these cases, the adoptions had been closed and family members were now spread across the country. In each case, all involved family members who were open and supportive. In each case, we proceeded cautiously, privately seeking confidential contact, obtaining consent before proceeding. In each case, people were challenged to experience life-changing, even scary feelings; and in each case, love won.

In the past, adoption was viewed as a controllable and finite act. Once a child was placed for adoption, life resumed as if nothing had happened. If birth family was discussed, (adoptive) parents were unlikely to delve deeper into the issues or present opportunities for children to question.

A healthy way to view adoption might include the idea that whether they are an active part of a child’s life or not, the birth family extends the circle of love surrounding the child. Rather than viewing adoption as the secret and adversarial transaction it used to be, maybe we can agree to honor it as a transparent process that enlarges families and brings much needed understanding to our struggling humanity.

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KRUGMAN OFF:

The New York Times’ Paul Krugman, whose column runs here Sunday, is off today.