It’s bombs away as we mark the last Sunday of January with a “flASHback” on the month’s news that amused and confused:
>> The state terrified residents and visitors by accidentally warning of a nuclear missile attack on Hawaii. We all thought we were toast, but in the end only Gov. David Ige was.
>> Ige knew within two minutes it was a false alarm, but it took 38 minutes for an official correction — partly because he forgot his Twitter password. He was like a deer stuck in the hindsight.
>> The state employee responsible for the calamity was reassigned. He’s now in charge of pushing the panic button for Honolulu rail.
>> U.S. Rep. Colleen Hanabusa, who wants Ige’s job, scolded that the fiasco shouldn’t have happened. Hanabusa vs. Ige shapes up as an epic battle between Captain Obvious and Captain Underpants.
>> President Donald Trump praised Hawaii officials for taking responsibility for the mistake. It meant a lot from a guy who’s never in his life taken responsibility for a mistake.
>> The 2018 Legislature opened and lawmakers panned Ige for not offering policy specifics or addressing the botched missile alert in his State of the State speech. There wasn’t much more he could say beyond, “Ai yah!”
>> Senate President Ron Kouchi and House Speaker Scott Saiki said legislators will call the shots in the absence of guidance from the governor. This is like the termites taking over palace maintenance.
>> Attorney General Douglas Chin will step down to run for Congress, saying he’s uniquely qualified to lead in “extraordinary times.” He combines the scruples of a lawyer and the sincerity of a politician.
>> Chin’s campaign manager, Dylan Beesley, faces ethics complaints for collecting nearly $86,508 in “consulting fees” from the defunct campaign of the late U.S. Rep. Mark Takai. It seems a hand in the grave is more profitable than a foot.
>> The Caldwell administration could lose millions in homeless aid for spending federal funds unwisely and too slowly. The federal philosophy is to spend unwisely at hyperspeed.
>> A new city initiative allows private partners to sponsor Honolulu Zoo exhibits. It’s good news for Territorial Savings Bank, which can now sponsor a monkey as well as a mayor.
>> Hawaii’s pocked and congested roads are the worst in the nation to drive, according to WalletHub. You really notice it when you’re going 100 mph trying to outrun an atomic bomb.
>> UH quarterback Dru Brown said he’ll play his senior season elsewhere, following the transfer of top receiver Dylan Collie. Coach Nick Rolovich will have to retool his offense from run-and-shoot to run-and-hide.
And the quote of the month … from Ige in his State of the State: “I am struck by the beautiful and often challenging complexity that makes Hawaii our home.” Dumbstruck is more like it.
Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com.
