Complicity via silence is second hidden crime of sexual harassment

During her 2015-16 tenure as director of the state Department of Human Services, Rachael Wong experienced sexual harassment by a top state lawmaker and filed a complaint with the Hawaii State Ethics Commission; that case against then-Rep. Joe Souki was recently resolved. As part of his settlement with the commission, Souki — a legislator since 1982 and two-time House speaker — paid a $5,000 fine, resigned from his Maui House seat and on March 29, submitted a letter apologizing for his behavior.

Souki wrote in his short letter: “In response to the allegations of sexual harassment brought by more than one woman, I apologize — to those women, to my constituents, and to the people of Hawaii — for my inappropriate and unacceptable behavior.”

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It’s never easy to talk openly about sexual harassment. The #MeToo movement is making it possible for more women to feel supported when telling their stories, and the hope is that this can also happen in Hawaii. Right now, however, there are so many who feel they cannot say anything because of the valid risks of losing their jobs, relationships, reputation and ability to remain where they live. This is the truth in Hawaii, and it’s a hard one to acknowledge.

I’ve found that the truth can also be buried and dismissed, thereby adding additional barriers to women telling their stories. It is still difficult for me to share the facts of what happened with former House Speaker Joseph Souki because it’s been so distorted. The facts are that he peppered me with inappropriate comments about my gender, appearance and age throughout a business meeting, instructed me to kiss him when I asked for support for my agency’s priorities, and made me uncomfortable with a pointed reference to his genitals. The Hawaii State Ethics Commission conducted a thorough investigation and concluded that, in addition to misuse and abuse of his power and position during this meeting, multiple women were also subjected to inappropriate behavior during interactions with him.

Even though the former representative legally admitted to sexual harassment, he simultaneously dismissed everything as a misunderstanding. An “aloha kiss” with “no recollection” became the headlines. When legal findings and a signed admission of sexual harassment were shrugged off with revisionist history that sidestepped responsibility, it created new trauma for many women, judged and shamed us, and constructed yet another heavy barrier against speaking up.

It also sent a demoralizing message: nothing happened, women are overreacting, the status quo is fine, those who are in power stay in power, and it’s better to remain silent.

I want to focus on the remaining silent part: There are women who are forced to remain silent because of the true risks of speaking out — and there are all of us, who at some point in our lives, remained silent when we saw something wrong because we didn’t want to cause trouble, didn’t think it was our responsibility, followed orders, or figured someone else will do something. We may not have recognized that by not saying something, we are complicit in perpetuating abuse.

This is the second crime. With sexual harassment and violence, women are “victimized twice: by their assailant and a second time by the system around them that refuses to hear them and to acknowledge and address the offenses against them” (“Our Conspiracy of Silence Around Sexual Abuse” article by Dr. Marcia Sirota, Nov. 20, 2014).

The result of these two crimes is a society that is broken for women and men alike. When women and their contributions and voices are degraded, society is diminished. When workplaces and community spaces minimize and normalize sexual harassment, what does that say about the world we are creating for our children and for each other?

The good news is that we can create a different Hawaii. Here are four positive things we can all do:

>> Listen and believe those who come forward with experiences of workplace sexual harassment. We want to be heard and believed.

>> Acknowledge that there are real barriers to coming forward and understand that if someone does, it’s really hard and scary, and they will undoubtedly face scrutiny, judgment, shaming, and overt anger and disdain. (I can attest to this.)

>> If you see sexual harassment, do something. You can find more info on how to respond appropriately and in ways that honor and respect the victim at the brand-new National Resource Hub on Sexual Harassment & Violence: www.workplacesrespond.org.

>> Help create safer workplaces through improved policies, practices and culture. This will take time and commitment from organizational leadership; we know there always are ways we can make improvements and take steps in the right direction.

We can all choose to be a coalition of action rather than a conspiracy of inaction. We must do this because we are all interconnected in Hawaii and rise or fall together. Let us do this because it will create a legacy of true equality and aloha for coming generations.