Lee Cataluna: Fireworks ban as ineffective as temperance

It’s as though Oahu is divided into two tribes.

On one side, there are the people who worship the glory of fireworks, the heart-stopping boom of explosions echoing in the night, setting off car alarms and packs of terrified dogs, the retina- burning blast of color high above the neighbors’ wood-shingled roofs with all the babies and grandpas sleeping inside, the showers of sparks that rain down on hillsides of weedy kindling. They spend their money freely on illegal aerials, store these explosives in their homes and carports and set them off in their neighborhoods regardless of threat of fine or prosecution.

Because why? Because good luck. Because tradition. Because it’s awesome.

On the other side are the people who just don’t get it.

They don’t understand spending money on something that burns up in a matter of seconds. They don’t see the point in angering the neighbors, creating a nuisance, risking various repercussions of breaking the law. They also, oddly enough, enjoy being able to breathe, appreciate their eyebrows and value all 10 of their fingers.

People in this group would not know where to buy illegal fireworks. No clue. They have, of course, heard all the awful rumors about members of law enforcement actually being the vendors of the annual contraband, stories that circulate every year without any sort of evidence. But if they suddenly decided to cross over and join the cult of explosivity, they would have no idea how to start. A dark alley in Chinatown? An ad on Craigslist? A rusty warehouse hidden by scrub brush? Text 1-900-Go-Boom?

In a town not known for keeping secrets, the distribution chain of illegal fireworks is the biggest shared secret of all.

The first group is winning. Has always won. Will continue to win. There is no political will or wave of community pressure to encourage any government agency to stop the importation of these explosives. You can’t bring a jar of peanut butter on the plane but somehow, enough explosives to turn all of Oahu into a full-scale war zone slip into the state undetected.

On the supply side, too many well-connected people must be making untaxed money hand-over-fist by this annual enterprise. On the demand side, too many people are willing, gleeful consumers of something they believe is worth any perceived risk.

There is also a third group, the people who don’t participate but don’t object either. They don’t actually touch a match to a wick or spend money on a pallet of projectiles but they love the whole gruesome mess just the same. Even if they don’t light them up themselves, some people take great pleasure in watching the Oahu skies bloom in showers of sparks every year. They’re grateful for the “free show” they get to watch right from their own kitchen window. They think of all the people who spent thousands of dollars buying illegal aerials as “generous,” as providing a “gift of joy” to all their neighbors.

It’s not a matter of which group is in the majority. It’s about that side of human nature that loves best the things they’re told they can’t have. The truth is that banning fireworks is about as effective as outlawing liquor — a laughable endeavor that has served only to build an underground industry.

Reach Lee Cataluna at 529-4315 or lcataluna@staradvertiser.com.