Children suffer collateral damage from family abuse

A child exposed to domestic violence is at risk of being a victim or becoming an abuser as an adult, experts say.

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, during which Hawaii social service providers are reminding the public of the importance of breaking the cycle of domestic violence.

A child’s brain development is harmed when they see their mother getting beaten up or hear screaming or feel their own life is threatened, said Karen Tan, president and chief executive officer of Child and Family Service.

The nonprofit organization has four emergency shelters — two on Oahu and two on Hawaii island — where survivors and their children may stay up to 90 days and in some cases, up to 120 days. Child and Family Service also provides transitional housing where they may stay for up to two years and continue to receive serv­ices and counseling.

Children might arrive at emergency shelters with post-traumatic stress disorder. “They may have their own challenges in how they react to things around them,” Tan said.

The U.S. Office on Women’s Health said children who witness or are victims of emotional or physical abuse are at a higher risk of long-term health effects in their adulthood such as depression, anxiety, diabetes, obesity, heart disease, low self-esteem and other problems.

The federal agency said boys who see their mothers being abused by their fathers have a high risk of becoming abusers themselves as an adult and girls are at risk of becoming victims.

Tan recalled seeing young boys arrive at their shelters use demeaning language toward their mothers.

“It’s learned behavior,” Tan said. “It’s really quite sad but they don’t know any better so we have to work with them to kind of rewire it.”

The nonprofit organization works with survivors on how to set boundaries with their children.

She noted there are people who grew up exposed to domestic violence who make a conscious choice not to abuse their partner.

“I know someone who experienced a lot of abuse as a child and watched their dad beat up their mom and they said, ‘I will never do that’ and make a purposeful choice to never do that and that’s what it takes. But not everyone understands that you actually have to do that and then you have to put all sorts of things around you to support that so we try to break it early with these kids,” Tan added.

Providers say they have seen women make a firm decision to leave their abusive relationship once they realize the negative impacts on their children. “Once they see how it affects the kids, usually that’s what gets them motivated to leave,” said Robert Boyack, program administrator of Child and Family Service.

In addition to helping women and children, the organization also offers programs for abusers to work on eliminating their violent behavior.

Intervention

A majority of batterers referred to the Child and Family Service’s intervention program via a court order as part of the terms of their probation are men, according to Boyack.

In 2018, the organization served 236 men and 37 women where participants attend sessions once a week in the 34-week program.

Boyack said the batterer often had gone through their own trauma in childhood.

“They’ve been abused themselves whether it’s physically, sexually, mentally,” she said. “So they’ve been raised in an environment that’s hostile and this is all they know. We want to be able to show them what a healthy relationship is like. We want to stop and give them a chance to back up and say ‘What a minute, what am I doing? This is not OK.’”

It’s crucial to work with batterers to address the root of their abusive behavior. Boyack said, ”If we don’t work with the abusers, someone else is going to be a victim. It’s going to continue.”