David Shapiro: Here’s to Santa in a year we could really use the old guy

My Christmas gift to myself is to take a break from the grim news of 2020, so instead I share with you some favorite festive holiday quotations.

>> “Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we’re here for something else besides ourselves.” — Eric Sevareid

>> “If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.” — Bob Hope

>> “This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” — Anthony Jeselnik

>> “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know … the birth of Santa.” — Bart Simpson

>> “People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the 25th of December.” — Ogden Nash

>> “Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” —Tom Sims

>> “Blast this Christmas music. It’s joyful and triumphant.” — The Grinch

>> “Adults can take a simple holiday for children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.” — Erma Bombeck

>> “The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” — Jay Leno

>> “I celebrate everyone’s religious holidays. If it’s good enough for the righteous, it’s good enough for the self-righteous.” — Bette Midler

>> “Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — Dennis Miller

>> “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” — Joan Rivers

>> “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” — P.J. O’Rourke

>> “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller

>> “There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” — Bob Phillips

>> “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” — Bridger Winegar

>> “Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” — Mark Twain

>> “New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” — James Agate

Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com.