Column: Mom wants to know: How can you help combat domestic violence?

To mark this year’s 30th anniversary of the Domestic Violence Action Center, the Star-Advertiser will run a column each month this year to highlight aspects of the problem of domestic abuse. Authors will be from DVAC’s Council of Allies, formed to raise awareness about this communitywide issue.

May is the month of Mother’s Day. A momentous acknowledgment of the women who are moms, like mine, who was a hero in my family and to many others. I find myself often thinking about “what my mother would be thinking” in the face of so much adversity (public health, politics, economics, family relationships). My mom died in 2018, and thus I cannot seek her counsel or her thoughts now.

My mom was the kind of woman who was always looking to see how she could make your day better. Always looking to help out. Always being, well, my mom.

I think she got that desire for “making things better” from being an immigrant. Coming to America was a chance for my Opi and Omi, my mom’s parents, to “make things better” for their family.

So, I guess that explains why I wonder to myself, how can I make things better in the lives of others as well? I wonder what my mom would think if I didn’t say an extra prayer for my dad, or hold that door open for the next person, or walk that older person across the street in Chinatown when the world is texting? What if I didn’t support the Domestic Violence Action Center?

Domestic violence radiates like a cancer into the community at large.

One example of this terrible domino effect is a survivor I know: a young mother of two, ages 5 and 3. She was being physically assaulted by her partner. As a result of this abuse, she could not cover her shift at the restaurant she worked at for a couple of days. Due to her inability to work, she lost shifts at the restaurant, which led to the loss of wages which decreased her ability to care and provide for her children. Luckily, the restaurant supported her and rearranged people to cover shifts and get her well again, but the scars remain. With that one violent and criminal act, we see that so many other lives were affected outside of the survivor and her immediate family circle.

That’s why it’s so important to foster relationships that can be a lifeline and the remedy for the vicious cycle of domestic violence. DVAC is always asking, and never stops asking: “How can we make this better?”

While I am ignorant about more things than I am wise about, I was aware of DVAC, but was surprised to hear how many people didn’t know that the Center existed. I asked, “How can I help?” “How can I make it better?” Since 2017, I‘ve participated in an annual event hosted to support the cause: The “Feast for Peace” initiative was a perfect fit for me, a restauranteur, business owner, community ally.

It was easy enough to request the help from the restaurant community — surely, any one of my cohorts/restaurant owners, and managers would be able to give. The restaurant community here in Hawaii is truly unique in its generosity. I heartily asked friends and colleagues within the restaurant circle to donate what they could — and absolutely, to no surprise, our “restaurant ohana” stepped up and it was a smashing success.

During the course of that campaign, I ended up meeting various servers, bartenders and kitchen staff who in some way, either directly or indirectly knew a survivor or was a survivor. I was shocked to see how many lives were affected by domestic violence. I started to realize that for every story of success and victory, they all started with a moment of sheer terror, being alone, confusion, and in some cases, severe guilt and depression.

So, on behalf of my mom, myself and my entire family, I ask you to ask yourself, “How can YOU make it better?”

J.J. Niebuhr, owner of The Shamrock Restaurant Group, LLC, co-founded J.J. Dolan’s, Ferguson’s Pub and Bethel Union in Chinatown.