David Shapiro: Want to know the secret to marriage? A sense of humor

Every five or six years, my writing day falls on my wedding anniversary, and it doesn’t feel romantic to ruminate about my usual topics.

So I’ll change things up this week and share some of my favorite quotations about the institution of marriage:

>> “Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.” — Alan King

>> “If love means never having to say you’re sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.” — Estelle Getty

>> “Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.” — H.L. Mencken

>> “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner

>> “My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.” — Fibber McGee

>> “I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.” — Lee Grant

>> “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.” — Rodney Dangerfield

>> “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.” — Cher

>> “‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?” — George Carlin

>> “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck

>> “I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up.” — Barbara Bush

>> “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.” — Lyndon B. Johnson

>> “Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.” — Jean Rostand

>> “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx

>> “Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, ‘You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.” — Milton Berle

>> “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Anne Bancroft

>> “I never mind my wife having the last word. In fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.” — Walter Matthau

>> “I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.” — Gloria Steinem

>> “After about 20 years of marriage, I’m finally starting to scratch the surface of what women want. And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate.” — Mel Gibson

>> “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” — Phyllis Diller

>> “The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.” — Samuel Taylor Coleridge

>> “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” — Ruth Bell Graham

Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com.