Every October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. While we all make an effort to raise awareness that approximately 50,000 women in Hawaii suffer from domestic violence each year, I will always remember my own experience of domestic abuse.
Between the years of 1982 to 1987, my ex-husband, “F,” told me that I was ugly, stupid, a whore and good for nothing. He also told me that I would never make it in this world and that no one would love our children if I ever left him.
When we were living in California, “F” kept me up until the early morning hours in the summer of 1987. He would scream and yell at me as well as interrogate me, always trying to force me to admit that I had a relationship with someone else. However, I would always say that I never would do such a thing. He would shake me and make me sit upright if it looked like I was going to fall asleep.
My ex-husband kept three loaded guns in the kitchen pantry, and he would often take them out and put them next to him while he interrogated me into the wee hours of the night.
“F” threatened to use the guns on me, our children and the people around us. His threats frightened me so much. One day, I fell to the floor, nearly lifeless. My body was cold, and I was unable to talk. “F” was so frightened that he begged for forgiveness. Like a dutiful wife, I believed him and thought all the pain and interrogation would stop.
For a while, life was like a honeymoon, and “F” tried his best to make amends. However, it didn’t last long, and the abuse gradually started up again.
One October morning in 1987, I found the strength and courage to walk out of the marriage with my two children, and we went into a domestic abuse shelter with the help of a neighbor.
I was only 27 years old, with no money and thousands of miles away from my family, who all lived in Hawaii. I was scared and not quite sure of our future or how we would manage to get back home to Oahu. Life looked really bleak, and I was frightened that “F” would find us.
BY THE NUMBERSSome facts about the problem of domestic abuse, from hawaiisaysnomore.org:
>> 1 in 7 women in Hawaii have experienced forcible rape in their life.
>> 575 Hawaii domestic violence survivors seek support from local programs every day.
>> 50,000 women between 18 and 64 are victims of domestic violence each year in Hawaii.
>> 1 in 3 teens in the U.S. experience sexual or physical abuse or threats from a boyfriend or girlfriend each year.
>> 1 in 2 women, and 1 in 5 men in the U.S. have experienced some form of sexual violence.
With help from the domestic abuse shelter employees and my relatives, my two children and I managed to keep hidden from “F” for two months. Finally, we made it back to Hawaii, and I applied for welfare benefits.
My family helped us so much as I tried to gain back my strength and to recover from post-traumatic stress, which I got from all the emotional and psychological abuse from my ex-husband.
This year marks 30 years since I left my ex-husband. It’s been a rocky road to a better life for the three of us. However, it haunts me to realize how close I was to losing my life and to think what would’ve happened to our two children if I had not walked out.
Today, as I count my blessings, there are thousands of women and children in Hawaii who are suffering from domestic abuse. When and if they are able to have the courage to leave, it will take many years to recover and build a new life of their own.
Let us all support the Domestic Violence Action Center by participating in the events that are happening in October.
Jenny Delos Santos is a newsroom clerk at the Honolulu Star-Advertiser.
