Schoolkids, gunslinger and overpayments haunt Capitol

The state Capitol was transformed into Loompaland as we "flASHback" on the week’s news that amused and confused:

» Dozens of students walked the Capitol to spread an anti-smoking message, including a teen who dressed as one of Willy Wonka’s Oompa Loompas. For a second, I thought Gov. Neil Abercrombie had shaved off his beard.

» The students made their point against smoking by giving legislators tobacco warnings rolled up to look like candy wrappers. When they’re older, they’ll learn to wrap the candy with campaign checks.

» Sen. Clayton Hee called out a fellow senator who criticized him by declaring, "I’m your huckleberry," a line made famous by the gunfighter Doc Holiday in "Tombstone." Clayton Hee is to a gunfighter what the Taco Bell chihuahua is to a pit bull.

» Sen. Sam Slom decried the end of daily prayers in the Senate, lamenting that society accepts the occult, vampires, zombies and satanic ritual but restricts religious expression. His colleagues barely looked up from their Ouija boards as he spoke.

» Speaking of the undead, Clemson University professor Sarah Lauro said people become more interested inzombies when they’re dissatisfied with society as a whole. That or when the Legislature is in session.

» The state is having trouble collecting $1.5 million in wages and benefits it overpaid current and past state employees. It’s having less trouble plotting Medicaid cuts for 21,000 low-income people who fall into the "gray" area under Obama­care.

» Mayor Kirk Caldwell is stepping up his push for a 5-cent increase in the gasoline tax that City Council leaders have declared "dead on arrival." In politics, death is relative — like campaign promises.

» Honolulu rail execs are thinking about charging tourists more for rides than residents and military, even though the $5.26 billion train doesn’t pass within walking distance of the airport or go to Waikiki. Only in Hawaii does inconvenience cost extra.

» Children ages 8 to 13 are competing in a haiku contest for the right to pick names for the Honolulu Zoo’s three lion cubs from a list approved by zookeepers. It’s good training for grown-up elections when they’ll pick from lists of candidates approved by the Democratic Party.

» Public school teachers held a protest rally at the Capitol, chanting, "If we don’t get no contract, you don’t get no peace." Either way, our educators don’t got no grammar.

And the quote of the week … from Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler on his delight that the Hawaii Senate passed an anti-paparazzi bill named after him: "Now at least (guitarist) Joe Perry and I can go to Maui and walk around naked in the back lawn and write some crazy songs." Our Senate believes in life, liberty and the pursuit of idiocy.

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Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com or blog.volcanicash.net.