Non-violent parenting must overcome widespread beliefs

The news about Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson’s switching of his 4-year-old son has created an opportunity to discuss appropriate methods of child discipline in the public forum.

One positive behavior Mr. Peterson demonstrated was his initiative to turn himself in to the authorities. As observers, our challenge is to acknowledge him for doing so, and for him and his wife to learn positive parenting techniques as an alternative to physical punishment.

All of us can learn to discipline our children differently. The test of our learning comes when we can avoid using physical punishment in the heat of the moment during a child-discipline crisis.

We must learn to leave judgment out of the equation and focus on the parent’s strengths so that the parent can focus on the child’s strengths and not just on what the child is doing wrong.

The belief in corporal punishment is strong in many communities. Part of our work at Parents And Children Together (PACT) has been to promote and coach positive parenting techniques. Changing a belief system can take years, but more important, it takes immediate positive feedback for parents when they use better methods.

As professional helpers, we have to be willing to be there for the long run, to be supportive and yet firm, making sure that parents embed positive parenting into their daily response patterns. Research shows that physical aggression only teaches physical aggression in kids. Physical discipline does not result in positive outcomes.

In the legal and moral sense, beating a child is always "wrong" and can result in jail time, depending on the severity.

We have generations of individuals who firmly believe that the beatings they got as a child molded them into the adults they are today. Changing that belief system is like swimming against the current. However, in persisting in our work with parents, we can and have made significant changes.

Families involved with Child Welfare Services have been reunited through our work. Children have been protected from harm through our work. When I say "our work," I am not just referring to PACT; I am referring to the countless family services providers, community workers and caring family and neighbors who have courageously stepped forward to help families who are "losing it" under pressure.

As parents, it is part of our kuleana to re-direct our children when they are misbehaving and to continue to do so until they understand what is expected of them. Parents have always been on overload, even when life was less complex and there was more time to be together as a family.

Although there is a growing sense of community in terms of child-rearing, ("It takes a village to raise a child" is an often-used proverb), the fact is, parenting has remained something private — an individual right where some hold tight to the belief that "no one should be interfering with my rights as a parent to discipline my child as I wish."

Our challenge is to transform that belief from one of "property rights" to one that focuses on the interests of the child: "What can I do as a parent to increase the likelihood of successful well-being for my child?"

PACT has been doing this work and, over the years, many have joined us.

We are encouraged to see a growing awareness of the issue. The more eyes on the problem, the greater the likelihood of parents and children getting the support they need to live safely together.

At PACT we are committed to promoting safe and caring communities that support families and promote wellness for both parents and children.