You should probably suspect an April Fools’ Day setup today, if …

» Louisville’s Rick Pitino announces he is applying for the UH basketball coaching job because, “I want to go back to the islands where my coaching career started. And, besides, they’ll already be on NCAA probation, so it will be just like old times.”

» UH vows that it will never, ever again convene a committee to hire anybody.

» To appease the NCAA, UH says it will self-impose some severe penalties for the 2015-16 basketball season, beginning with a ban on garlic fries in the Stan Sheriff Center.

» To celebrate a three-year contract extension that will keep Dave Shoji coaching until he is at least 71, AARP says it will endow a scholarship in his name at the school.

» After an extensive search behind the cushions in Ben Jay’s office, a UH auditor declares, “Our bad. The athletic department is actually running at a multi-million-dollar surplus.”

» New athletic director David Matlin says he is considering changing the school’s nickname back to … Fighting Deans.

» Citing “character issues,” the Tampa Bay Buccaneers say they will pass on Marcus Mariota after the former Oregon quarterback reportedly said “yes, sir” and “thank you” in the same sentence 43 times in a half-hour interview.

» Asserting the power of his office, Manoa Chancellor Robert Bley-Vroman unilaterally adds his favorite sport, badminton, as the school’s 22nd intercollegiate team.

» The state proposes a floating facility — with a casino — to replace Aloha Stadium.

» In an effort to make the Pro Bowl more appealing to fans in Brazil, the NFL announces players will not be allowed to use their hands.

» Citing depth concerns at the position, Ohio State coach Urban Meyer says he fears running out of quarterbacks in the Buckeyes’ Sept. 12 game with UH.

» The NBA announces a franchise for the University of Kentucky.

» Laura Beeman says Ronda Rousey has been designated to negotiate her next contract. Quick agreement on terms is anticipated.

» After two days spent examining the books at UH, Matlin says, “On second thought, can I get my old job back at the Hawaii Bowl?”

» The Hawaii Tourism Authority says it is close to a deal for the NHL to play its next all-star game here.

» Dick Vitale takes a vow of silence for the remainder of March Madness.

» An Alaskan predicts he will win the Triple Crown of Surfing.

» An effervescent Norm Chow says he will personally welcome one and all to the opening of spring practice Saturday.

» Apple introduces an Isaac Fotu model iPad.

» Prompted by the NFL’s no-blackout pledge, Major League Baseball promises the same.

» Mountain West Conference opponents say they will not seek a rise in football travel subsidies — if UH throws in rooms at the Royal Hawaiian.

» A robotics competition at the Stan Sheriff Center results in two robots receiving immediate Division I athletic scholarship offers.

Reach Ferd Lewis at flewis@staradvertiser.com or 529-4820.