After several years of counseling single adults on how to choose the right person to marry, the Rev. Dan Chun, a longtime pastor of First Presbyterian Church of Honolulu, saw that 90 percent of those who followed his advice were still hitched more than 20 years later.
That success rate prompted Chun to write a book, "How To Pick A Spouse," in the hope that marriage would "be a little more like heaven than hell on earth," he said.
Published in 2014 by Regal Books, the book has endorsements from various best-selling authors. When psychologist Neil Clark Warren, founder of the Christian matchmaking service eHarmony.com, was approached for a review, he twice declined the offer. Later, when Warren finally agreed to read the book, he wrote a foreword that says: "If you read this book and follow its teachings, and your marriage does not succeed, I will give you a free membership to eHarmony.com."
Chun has been on a national promotion tour, including a recent appearance on "Focus on the Family," a popular Christian radio talk show. He also talked about his book at a seminar attended mostly by young adults last month at the Hawaii Island Ministries conference at the Hawai‘i Convention Center.
The minister and his wife, Pam, founded the conference 27 years ago, bringing in nationally recognized Christian evangelists, teachers and authors to speak at the event.
While Chun’s advice incorporates biblical principles, it stresses pragmatism. The introduction advises: "This book is primarily practical in nature. No lofty principles or head-in-the-clouds ideas, just the nitty-gritty of courtship and marriage. If you are a Christian, you can pray and hope that God will lead you to the right person; but if you are not practical in your search, all the prayer in the world might not do any good. We can’t be so idealistic and heavenly minded that we’re of no earthly good."
A pastor for 35 years, Chun said he spent almost seven years specializing in ministry to more than 5,000 single adults of all ages. Of the 261 singles who got married after taking his advice, 25 got divorced — a 9.5 percent divorce rate — compared to the 20 percent to 39 percent of marriages that end in divorce nationwide, depending on the demographics, he said.
A major reason for writing the book stems from his divorce from his first wife and wanting to prevent others from going through the crushing pain and deflation of self-esteem he suffered. After three years of marriage, his then-wife totally shocked him with: "I don’t love you and never have loved you," he said.
During the Hawaii Island Ministries seminar, Chun addressed topics such as sex outside of marriage and cited a variety of practical reasons for delaying sex until marriage, including the risk of sexually transmitted infections.
Premarital sex "binds and blinds" people, in that physical intimacy and hormones can quickly forge a sense of emotional bond while deeper spiritual and intellectual commitment take more time to develop.
Chun acknowledged that probably "most of you have already had sex out of marriage, but I would never want any of you to leave here today feeling burdened by guilt. … All of us have made some mistakes and made some bad decisions. God forgives us and we can start from today a new chapter and new journey."
Among the other spouse-picking topics Chun covered during his talk were: giving friends permission to give their true opinions of a possible spouse; and the value of getting to know a person at least one year, especially under stress. He also reviewed what he calls "the 7Cs," or qualities that a potential spouse needs to have for the best compatibility: character, chemistry, competency, culture, commitment, communication and core values.
The book also includes lists of study questions that aim to help the reader pinpoint possible buried feelings and values as well as family "baggage" that can affect personal relationships. After all, Chun said, a key to choosing the right mate is to, first of all, "know thyself." Then, he said, "Work on being the person you want to marry."
