Marianne Schultz lost her only child in 2004 — never mind that Maggie was what some would call “just a dog.”
She and husband Scott Schultz thought of Maggie as a family member, and “our world revolved around her,” Marianne Schultz said. They took their basenji-pit bull mix on all their vacations and moved to a house with a fenced-in yard and a pool just so she could get water therapy for her bad knees after surgery. But then Maggie developed inoperable cancer and had to be euthanized to end her suffering.
“I fell apart; I couldn’t function,” Marianne Schultz said, and there was nothing that could relieve the suffocating grief for quite a while. No one had advice about losing a beloved pet, although she eventually found a monthly support group at the Hawaiian Humane Society.
Searching the Internet for more, Schultz found the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement, formed by psychologist Wallace Sife in 1997. He lost his dog 10 years earlier and wrote an award-winning book, “The Loss of a Pet,” about dealing with the emotional problems he had faced.
Schultz took APLB’s online course for counselors three years ago, receiving certification in 2012 after six weeks of intensive study. Her individual counseling sessions are free.
“I could not possibly charge anyone in their hour of need,” she said. “I do what I can to ease what is a very, very traumatic and emotional time.”
Initially Schultz held two free bereavement groups at First Presbyterian Church of Honolulu at Ko‘olau, where she is a deacon. She said it’s common for churches to offer pet blessings (honoring St. Francis of Assisi, patron saint of animals) but not bereavement counseling or memorial services for pets — something that APLB’s founder mentioned, too. “I knew I could help our church offer something no other church has,” Schultz added.
The Rev. Dan Chun, the Presbyterian church’s longtime pastor, gave her his full endorsement.
“Marianne’s services are unique. She loves animals. We need someone who is trained and empathetic with owners who are grieving. Our church loves pets and their owners. And we have prayed for pets who needed healing,” Chun said in an email statement.
Schultz gives counseling to one to three people a month on average, and usually meets with them in person for two or three sessions.
“Sometimes all they do is cry, and that’s OK, too. I have helped people to explain the loss to their children” and how they can honor a pet’s memory with a little stone altar in the garden, or displaying a picture in a favorite room, Schultz said. She passes along assurance from APLB’s Sife and her own belief that “all animals go to heaven.”
“The biggest thing for anyone, no matter how old they are, is telling them their family member (on four legs or two wings or whatever) is always in your heart; you’re never going to lose them.” It’s such a favorite term that she puts “Always in Your Heart” on her business card, along with Maggie’s picture.
Schultz’s primary advice to the grief-stricken is, “You absolutely have to mourn. … Honor your pet with your tears and memories, even if you have guilt and shock. That’s all part of it. Don’t deny yourself that, because it will make you ultimately be able to resolve the loss of your family member in the long run.” And there’s no shame in asking for a couple of days off from work because a person’s pet “is a family member and such a big part of your life,” she added.
People shouldn’t rush to get rid of their pet’s possessions, either, she said: “Leave them there as long as you want, because some people just can’t get up the nerve to move that bowl, put away that sweater or that ball or the chew toy. It’s different for everyone. How fast do you get rid of somebody’s clothes in your house (when they die)? It’s the same thing.”
Schultz makes it a point to send condolence cards by mail the old-fashioned way because they become tangible expressions of sympathy people can hold in their hand, and know someone took the time to think of them, she said.
Schultz can be reached at xb_@mac.com or 226-6458. For more information on the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement, visit aplb.org.
