The phrase "domestic violence" is too often a difficult subject to broach for most of us. Though domestic violence is widely prevalent, it remains an oft hidden and misunderstood subject. The statistics are horrifying, but never seem to fully convey the dangerous reality that victims and survivors face.

More than 1 in 3 women have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime. Even more chilling is the fact that in the U.S., an average of three women are killed by a current or former intimate partner every day.

In October, a nationally recognized month for domestic violence awareness, we have the opportunity to discuss how intimate partner violence impacts us all and what we can do to stop the violence. As domestic violence is a tremendously complex issue, it can be hard to know where to start. This month, let’s focus on understanding that victim and survivor safety goes far beyond the issue of leaving or ending the relationship.

When someone lets us know that they are being hurt, intimidated or controlled by their partner, we often immediately think of how we can help them get out of the situation. And for some, leaving does make things better. We even have services in the community to directly support how to help victims escape. But leaving as the only strategy is not enough — we must support survivors, wherever they are in their process of achieving safety.

For many survivors, leaving their abusive partner does not guarantee physical safety. Leaving can also raise other significant risks, like the loss of home, health care, a job, an education, custody, a faith community, immigration status and the support of family or friends.

Every time we ask a survivor to leave their relationship, we are asking them to address all these risks at once. These issues are hard enough to face one by one, but are infinitely harder when the abusive partner is using every tool at his or her disposal to punish the victim or reassert control.

When survivors reach out to their immediate networks for support, the response is often an offer of help to leave. When survivors choose not to leave, or assess that leaving is not the safest choice at this time, the response from friends and family will often change over time. For those not directly in the relationship, the choice to leave — which is equated with ending the violence — seems a simple one. Unfortunately, nothing is further from the truth.

Understanding this dynamic can help us all become a better support system for the survivors we know, and for those victims who have yet to reach out for help. When we can appreciate how many risks survivors must weigh in their process of achieving safety, we can move beyond telling them "you should leave." We also start to understand that the only person who can assess the situation and decide on a plan for safety is the survivor.

Some other ways we can help victims of domestic violence is to know how to access support. If you believe someone you know is in an abusive relationship, get support for yourself by reaching out to local domestic violence services for guidance about how to talk with your loved one and find out about counseling, resources and options.

If you yourself are in a controlling or violent relationship, you can call and ask questions, receive information and access to support services. All calls to the 24-hour domestic violence hotline (808-841-0822) are confidential.