I thought I had seen it all:
Women putting on eyeliner while driving down Kapiolani Boulevard, a bus driver eating a plate lunch while piloting his oversized ride with his elbows, tourists blasting down Kalanianaole in a rented convertible with a selfie stick poking into the next lane so they can get a cute Instagram shot of their sunburned selves …
But then, I saw him coming down University Avenue in morning traffic. His eyes were not on the road. His hands were not on the wheel. He was leaning in to his rear-view mirror holding the tip of his nose with one hand and a pair of scissors with the other. And oh my goodness, he was clipping his nose hairs while driving.
Now, granted, it looked to be blunt-tip scissors, like the kindergarten kind meant for cutting construction paper. And traffic was pretty backed up, so he wasn’t exactly going fast. It was a slow roll. Maybe that makes it more OK.
But come on.
Perhaps because we now spend so much time in our cars, those hours behind the wheel have taken the place of private time, when we can listen to music, be alone with our thoughts, sit for a while and chill. Perhaps shutting out the world is the only way to cope with a grueling commute. Maybe we’ve forgotten how public the private interior of a vehicle really is. Note to the nose-pickers, ear-diggers, clothes-changers behind the wheel — dudes, people can see you.
Random pop-up traffic jams — because of an accident or a fallen tree or unannounced Chris Christie-esque lane closure — are almost a daily occurrence on most of the islands. Maui has the regular pali backup, analogous to Oahu’s regular Waianae backup. Kauai’s Kuhio and Kaumualii highways are packed during morning and afternoon commutes. Oahu’s North Shore gets hopelessly gridlocked whenever there’s big surf or a large event, and the stretch of roadway between Kailua and Waimanalo can, at any time and without reason or warning, become a pit of backed-up, jacked-up, 5-mph despair.
So what’s the first thing people do when they’re stuck in traffic? They pull out their cellphones. Right? You know you do it, too. You’re checking news feeds to see what’s happening on the road ahead. You’re texting your boss, your boo, your babysitter to explain why you’re going to be late. You’re taking photos of the traffic jam and posting, hashtag trafficsux. Like no one can see you. Like cops don’t get stuck in traffic, too. Like you don’t have any cop friends on Facebook.
But laws and safety aside, if your cellphone is in your hand and at the ready, you can video the nose pickers, ear diggers, car dancers and clothes changers. Guarantee to go viral. When you’re stuck in traffic, there is almost always somebody in a car near you doing something weird or goofy. Traffic in Hawaii is driving us crazy.
Reach Lee Cataluna at 529-4315 or lcataluna@staradvertiser.com.
