Apparent murder-suicide highlights abuse’s toll on kids, advocates say

The apparent murder of a 7-year-old boy by his father in Pauoa underscores the need for the community to recognize that children are often victims of domestic violence and frequently are used by perpetrators as a way to exert power and control over their intended targets, advocates said Wednesday.

The apparent murder-suicide of 42-year-old Gerald Aikau and his son, Reef, on Tuesday marked the third high-profile domestic violence case over the past month involving children.

The other two, which happened last month, were marked by children witnessing the violence or the immediate aftermath.

Just before news spread Tuesday about police finding a man and boy dead in Pauoa, the Domestic Violence Action Center had sent out an email blast lamenting that children witnesses were present in the two May cases.

The email also noted that the community has not done a good job designing or supporting programs for children and that funding for such programs often is the first to be cut during tight fiscal times.

“There has been sufficient lip service to the problems facing children relating to domestic violence and other challenges,” the Tuesday morning email said. “But when the rubber meets the road, we do not see an investment that children deserve.”

Police are still investigating the Aikau case as an apparent murder-suicide and released no new details Wednesday.

Gerald Aikau, nephew of legendary surfer Eddie Aikau, was found hanging from a tree Tuesday morning at the Aikau family compound, and the boy was discovered with multiple stab wounds inside a nearby cottage. Efforts to revive both by a family member were unsuccessful.

At the time of his death, Aikau was facing criminal charges of abuse of a household member and violation of a protection order, with a trial scheduled for August, according to court records.

He also was in the midst of a contentious divorce with his wife, Katherine Aikau, who in recent months had twice sought court protection from her husband, alleging abuse, according to court records. The couple no longer lived together.

In late October, Katherine Aikau wrote in her temporary restraining order petition that Gerald Aikau pushed her and grabbed her left arm, causing bruising.

She wrote that he “destroyed everything in our house — Apple laptop smashed in half, big screen TV smashed, 6 surfboards (sons’) broke in half, knifed sofa, all pictures smashed.”

Citing extreme psychological abuse, she also said in the petition that Aikau was “calling employees who work for me and asking who I am sleeping with at work.”

The court granted Katherine Aikau a protective order, but it was dissolved in November.

Later that month, Katherine Aikau, who had requested that the first protective order be dissolved, sought a second one, which the court granted. In April, the court extended the order for a year.

The abuse charge against Gerald Aikau stemmed from the Oct. 23 incident, according to court records, which said a witness saw a male slap and push a female before chasing her into the house.

In February, Aikau sought a restraining order against his estranged wife, but the court denied the request.

Nanci Kreidman, who oversees the Domestic Violence Action Center, said accusing a woman of infidelity, destroying property and using children to get back at the partner, such as calling child protective services to allege child abuse, are common in domestic violence cases.

“These are all tactics that the community doesn’t recognize as tactics,” Kreidman said.

And by killing a child, she added, the abuser inflicts a lifetime of abuse.

“He now has control over her for the rest of her life,” said Kreidman, whose nonprofit organization was assisting Katherine Aikau. “There’s no way she will be free from him as a result of this tragic case.”

Stacey Moniz, executive director of the Hawaii State Coalition Against Domestic Violence, agreed. “She’s never going to get away from that thought.”

Katherine Aikau could not be reached for comment Wednesday.

Of the 51 domestic violence cases that Kreidman’s center has open, 32 involved children who have suffered abuse, she said.

Given the complicated dynamics of domestic violence, including economic and safety factors, women often struggle over when is the best time to escape an abusive relationship, and people have a tendency to blame them if something happens, advocates say.

That’s particularly true, they say, given the prevailing belief among community members and the courts that children are better off with both parents and having fathers in their lives.

“Women are blamed for leaving, and they’re also blamed for staying,” Kreidman said.

The center’s email blast noted that sometimes a safe escape from an abusive relationship is best: “We have long felt that a violent father or negligent father or mean father is worse than no father.”

Advocates say relatives, neighbors, co-workers, fellow parishioners and others need to be able to recognize the signs of domestic violence and be supportive, nonjudgmental and offer assistance to the victims. Children traumatized by domestic violence can have trouble at school concentrating, acting up or simply not showing up for extended periods, advocates say.

When signs of abuse emerge, advocates say, people need to speak up, even if it’s to talk to other family members, friends or professionals about what to do.

“In order to really make a difference, we have to be willing to say something and confront the behavior while it’s happening,” Moniz said. “I’m not saying that’s not hard. It is.”

The Aikau case came several weeks after a 41-year-old man allegedly stabbed his wife to death during an argument in their Makiki apartment while her teenage son was in the home.

Several days later, a Pearl City woman was accused of stabbing her husband multiple times. A television report quoted neighbors as saying the woman apparently was trying to protect her son, who was allegedly being assaulted by his stepfather.