David Shapiro: A year of false missiles, real lava and dud elections
It’s the last Sunday of 2018 and time to “flASHback” on the year’s news that amused and confused.
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It’s the last Sunday of 2018 and time to “flASHback” on the year’s
news that amused and
>> The state terrified
citizens by accidentally warning of a nuclear missile attack, then said it wasn’t Gov. David Ige’s job to issue a timely correction. And
he was outstanding in not doing that job.
>> The 2018 Legislature left a legacy of “Frankenbills,” gut-and-replace
measures and a record
77 political fundraisers
shaking down lobbyists. Some things money can’t buy; the Hawaii Legislature isn’t one of them.
>> University of Hawaii
researchers got $1 million
to study Waimea Valley’s microbes, which they said shouldn’t be called germs. Microbes are sensitive, like parasites that don’t like to be called politicians.
>> After blowing the missile crisis, Ige rushed to the Big Island as Pele vented lava in Puna and toxic ash from Kilauea’s summit. He offered to appease the volcano goddess by sacrificing Colleen Hanabusa.
>> The city trumpeted a new financial model for rail, dubbed P3. Unfortunately,
it sounded a lot like the old model: plunder, profit and prevaricate.
>> Mayor Kirk Caldwell admitted he doesn’t know how the city will pay for rail operating costs, but said, “I have faith.” The only way faith pays for this boondoggle is if the next mayor is
the Rev. Creflo A. Dollar.
>> Ige came back from
20 points down in the polls to defeat Hanabusa in the Democratic primary, then dispatched Republican
Andria Tupola in the general election. It was a hair-raising journey from dead duck to lame duck.
>> Josh Green was elected lieutenant governor with
the help of $1 million from
a Carpenters Union super PAC, then named a Carpenters lobbyist as his chief
of staff. He could be the first future governor bought on layaway.
>> Ed Case was returned to Congress and said feuding Democrats and Republicans should “sit down at tables like adults.” As long as they bring a highchair
for the president.
>> U.S. Sen. Mazie Hirono was criticized for saying of Republican colleagues, “F*** them!” It dispelled
criticism that she’s long-winded, anyway.
>> U.S. Sen. Brian Schatz introduced legislation to
promote more government use of artificial intelligence. It’s certainly an improvement over authentic ignorance.
>> Prosecutors accused Katherine Kealoha, wife
of former Police Chief Louis Kealoha, of spending more than $20,000 — some stolen from her grandmother —
on an affair with her secret Big Island boyfriend. Do we classify the crime as white collar, blue collar or lipstick on the collar?
>> Hawaii’s pocked
and congested roads were named worst in the nation to drive by WalletHub.
You really noticed it going
100 mph to outrun an atomic bomb.
>> A skunk with its head stuck in a yogurt cup was found at Honolulu Harbor. He was quarantined so
authorities could determine whether he had rabies
and which district he
represented in the Legislature.
Reach David Shapiro at email@example.com.