Somebody needs to invent a lei-proof shirt.
Every person who is frequently called upon to give a lunchtime speech, every visiting lecturer or touring artist, every judge of every pageant, talent show or keiki cook-off would want one. Has wanted one. Was probably looking through their closet this very morning trying to find something to suffice.
Because every one of those people has found themselves at the front of the room watching as a smiling host approaches with outstretched hands to place a lei around their necks like laying a wreath upon hallowed ground. They’ve felt the strain of remaining gracious while fretting over the after-effects. Aw, those flowers are going to stain. Aw, those leaves are going to flake off like brown dandruff all over my shoulders. Aw, that ribbon is wet and going to bleed purple stains behind my neck. Aw, that ti leaf is so cooked I’m going to smell like a laulau the rest of the day.
It would be amazing to have a shirt or a even an entire line of clothing that could handle all of that—the smells, the stains, the detritus — and, at the same time, not clash with the color of the lei no matter if it’s blazing yellow ilima or Thai purple orchid or jade flower blue.
Because there is no graceful way to reject a lei. With very few health- related exceptions, if a lei is coming your way, you must smile, dip your head and accept. You must then deliver your speech while ignoring the dampness of the flowers dripping down your back.
Oh yeah, the lei shirt has to be absorbent, too.
And washable. Machine-washable. With that nice Reyn’s barkcloth quality that doesn’t require ironing if you take it out from the dryer when it’s still hot and hang it up right away.
And flattering. It has to have the forgiving dimensions of luau wear so you can, you know, enjoy the buffet. It has to breathe in case the event is held outside on a hot day or muggy night. And it has to be versatile enough to work for elementary school principals, local celebrities, bank executives, church leaders and anyone who doesn’t want to lose yet another nice shirt to lei-juice stains. Because everyone has lost nice shirts to lei-juice stains around the neck.
Everyone.
Except maybe folks like Mufi Hannemann or Bernard Carvalho, who are so tall that no one would ever notice a lei stain on their shoulders. (Though it would be a magic moment if, at some tourism conference, Mufi leaned over to Bernard and said, “Brother, just to let you know, you have some ti-leaf juice that leaked on your collar. No worry. Nobody can see. So anyways, you wanna duet on ‘My Hawaii’? I take the first verse.”)
But yeah. Lei-proof shirts that can take you from the middle school outdoor assembly to the Sheraton Coral Ballroom. We need that. With elastic-waist buffet-proof pants.
Reach Lee Cataluna at 529-4315 or lcataluna@staradvertiser.com.
