Lee Cataluna: Is ‘Keeping Up With the Kealohas’ ending?
It’s a sad state of affairs when scandal becomes entertainment and scoundrels are the most recognized, talked-about folks in town. We need a better celebrity couple.
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News broke this week that the long-suffering, recently convicted Louis Kealoha had filed for divorce from his currently incarcerated wife, and it was as if the whole island stopped in the middle of the high school cafeteria, turned to their best friend and said in a tone of shock and disbelief, “Oh my gaaaaa! I thought they was going be 2-gether 4-ever!”
Honolulu desperately needs better celebrity gossip.
On the same day that the closest thing Honolulu has to a power couple began divorce proceedings, our homegrown Heisman winner got bumped to second string, and our madly ambitious congresswoman showed up to the presidential debate she had threatened to boycott but was so out of her depth nobody really noticed she was there.
We need some superstars, folks. Bruno Mars is busy. He can’t do it all by himself. Dwayne Johnson and Jason Momoa came through big time for the mauna, but they’re both family men who don’t get into the gossip pages very often, much to their credit. BJ Penn has had his troubles and is lying low. UH sports teams are struggling. Augie Tulba is heading toward retirement (actually, local politics … but same thing).
For too long now the hottest local reality show has been the sometimes- daily episodes of the Louie-n-Kat series, in which sordid details of the private lives and criminal entanglements of the former chief of police and the former deputy city prosecutor were revealed in court documents one convoluted bombshell at a time. It was horrifying and fascinating, full of embarrassing details and weird revelations, like a Netflix true-crime series happening in real time right in downtown Honolulu.
At times the Kealohas’ relationship seemed inexplicably strong — or at least carefully orchestrated to look that way in the super-awkward walks to and from the federal courthouse during the trial.
Cameras followed those walks and Hawaii followed the stories closer than Auntie follows her Korean soaps. It’s been like binge- watching the Kealohas for years now. Whether you wanted to follow along or not, there they were, his supportive hand resting on her round shoulder as some new dirty detail was revealed.
But now the star-crossed Kealohas, the pair who had been through so much together, hand in hand, matching Sears aloha wear and, at times, matching ponytails, are divorcing. It seemed they were determined to stick together through the fire, to the limit, to the wall. Did anyone see this coming?
Uh, pretty much everyone.
After the news of the divorce filing came the water cooler analysis:
“The whole ‘united front’ thing was a strategy.”
“This divorce filing is strategy.”
“At least now he doesn’t have to wear the matchy shirt.”
It’s a sad state of affairs when scandal becomes entertainment and scoundrels are the most recognized, talked-about folks in town. We need a better celebrity couple. We need a better local story to follow. This reality show was too real.