To mark this year’s 30th anniversary of the Domestic Violence Action Center, the Star-Advertiser will run a column each month this year to highlight aspects of the problem of domestic abuse. Authors will be from DVAC’s Council of Allies, formed to raise awareness about this communitywide issue.

What do you say when you suspect a woman is being abused? The temptation is to say nothing, to look away. You might tell yourself that she wants to keep her abuse a secret, or that it’s none of your business. You might tell yourself that getting involved will only ratchet up the danger. But these are justifications, meant to keep you comfortable.

What does a battered woman need? She doesn’t need judgment. She gets plenty of that from her abuser, and possibly from her family and children. She doesn’t need blame. She gets plenty of that, too. She doesn’t need a big guy to show up at her partner’s door to threaten him.

What she needs is for you to be part of her solution. Whatever that looks like. However long it takes.

Some underlying dynamics are critical to understand. Battering is not the unfortunate result of a bad drunk. It does not reflect the wild passion of a crazy relationship. Battering is not a one-time event.

Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors used to control another human being. The pattern may include hitting, choking, kicking — the physical abuse that most abusers are careful enough to commit behind closed doors.

The pattern may include threats — either overt or tacit. Pounding on a wall next to a woman’s head sends a very clear message of what could happen to her.

The pattern may include coercion — mostly financial and legal control over money, resources and children.

It may even include moments of relative calm — periods when a battered woman will try and convince herself that now, maybe, everything will be OK.

Abuse is a deliberate, calculated pattern of behavior that coerces its victim into submission. It’s a criminal act, like any other, but one that’s made even more complicated by brutal mind games that keep the abuser-victim dynamic going.

You may think that you don’t know a woman like that. You may though. Domestic violence in Hawaii is grossly underreported because Hawaii’s data collection doesn’t denote when intimate partners are involved in crimes such as kidnapping, sexual assault, break-ins or property damage. With a Honolulu Police Department overall clearance rate hovering around 7% (meaning that an officer makes an arrest or otherwise closes a case), many crimes of abuse are not even prosecuted.

Statistics from the Domestic Violence Action Center (DVAC), however, indicate the breadth of the problem. During the 2020 pandemic, the center responded to more than 26,000 client contacts from a population of just over 1 million living in Oahu. Since March 2020, DVAC developed about 6,000 safety plans with survivors, i.e., detailed plans that identify the steps to take when at risk of being abused, or terrorized. Financial assistance was provided to almost 500 survivors of abuse. These numbers mean that you may know someone who is being battered.

If the opportunity to assist a battered woman comes your way, it is OK not to know how to fix everything. Simply try to remain non-judgmental. It’s incumbent to be uncomfortable, and to say something, letting a victim know that abuse is wrong. And that you will support them as they chart their course toward a better life.

So what do you say to a battered woman? Say:

I’m sorry that you’re going through this.

I am concerned for your safety.

This is not your fault.

Do you have the phone number for the Domestic Violence Action Center?

Do you have a safety plan?

How can I help?

Loretta Sheehan has been an assistant U.S. attorney for Hawaii and chairwoman of the Honolulu Police Commission; she is a partner at law firm Davis Levin Livingston and a DVAC Council of Allies member.