Column: Tale of domestic terror is too common

I’d like to tell you a story of bravery and determination in the face of prolonged torment. It is not my story, but the personal experience of a good friend, recounted with her permission. I offer it because it is more commonly experienced than most of us can imagine, deserving of our collective acknowledgement and action.

I don’t think my friend’s identity is as important as her experience, but let me describe her for you. She’s a lovely person, smart and hard-working, with a compassionate heart and a quick laugh. She has a large family that she loves and that loves her in return.

But for several years, she was in a terrifying relationship with a man who repeatedly attempted to control her through frightening bouts of rage. When he became upset, he would lock her and their young son in their home and verbally and emotionally abuse her for hours, spittle flying as he swore at her. When those episodes subsided, he was never remorseful or apologetic. In his mind, his behavior was always her fault.

Looking back on it now, decades later, my friend recalls a slow progression of her partner’s emotional abuse, and the reasons she gave herself for staying: They owned a home together. They shared a child. He was close to changing and if she left, she’d regret it — and his next girlfriend would get to enjoy the “good guy.”

Her family, her friends and a couple of therapists encouraged her to leave before the verbal abuse escalated into physical harm. She did leave once, but he cried and begged her to return. When she did, nothing changed; he was furious that she’d left.

A blessing arrived in the form of needed surgery, after which she and her son stayed with her parents while she convalesced. From the comfort of a safe and loving home, she found the determination to become a survivor. She never went back, even when he again pleaded with her to return.

She now sees the connection between her partner’s attacks and the abuse he suffered as a child at the hand of his father. She can see the characteristics of the controlling personality that marks domestic abusers. She sees the effects of the torment on her adult son, who becomes angry when he witnesses bullying of any kind. And she sees what saddens so many of us who advocate for the Domestic Violence Action Center (DVAC): that the discomfort about discussing domestic abuse prevents those of us in healthy situations from staring it down and working to end it.

After 30 years of advocacy in Hawaii, DVAC still sees such a strong stigma associated with domestic violence that victims underreport occurrences and bystanders fail to assist. What is reported consistently shows that women are most affected by domestic violence in Hawaii, with women from marginalized communities overrepresented.

My friend had a strong family as a resource to help her transition from victim to survivor, and she has friends who, like me, hear her story and only become prouder than ever to call her a friend. How do we provide this support for those who have no resources at all?

I encourage you to visit www.domesticviolenceactioncenter.org and lend your hand to eliminating domestic abuse in our state. There are many ways to support the fight against the scourge of partner abuse, and the benefits are incalculable. No one should live in fear. And if fear is pervasive in our community, and people don’t feel safe in our community, then our community cannot thrive. All of us are better off when each of us is better off.

Ann Botticelli is recently retired former journalist and executive who now spends her time advocating for a better community.

To mark this year’s 30th anniversary of the Domestic Violence Action Center, the Star-Advertiser is running a column monthly this year to highlight aspects of the problem of domestic abuse. Authors will be from DVAC’s Council of Allies, formed to raise awareness about this communitywide issue.