Column: Be vigilant, talk to your teen about perils of dating violence

For so long in the world of education, students’ success is defined by percentages and stanines. A recent movement to recognize and uplift student well-being and healthy behaviors has been key in helping our youth understand that this time is meant to be much richer — that the positive relationships you build can be just as valuable as the knowledge gained in school.

Romantic relationships are a common part of adolescence. However, not all relationships are healthy. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 in 4 adolescents report verbal, emotional, physical or sexual dating violence each year. February was National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month. With the incidence of abuse in relationships of our teens so prevalent, it is never too late, or inconsequential to focus a spotlight on the issue.

Teens who experience this may be more at risk for depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and/or substance abuse. Take a moment to learn what teen dating violence is, how to recognize its warning signs, what to do if you suspect your child is in an abusive relationship, and how we can work to prevent teen dating violence as a community.

The National Center for Victims of Crime defines Dating Violence as “controlling, abusive, and aggressive behavior in a romantic relationship.” Teen dating violence can include any combination physical, emotional, sexual, technological and financial abuse. Here are some of the most common warning signs of teen dating violence:

>> Sudden changes in mood or personality.

>> Avoiding friends and family.

>> Sudden changes in appearance, diet, or sleeping habits.

>> Failing grades or dropping out of school activities.

>> Becoming secretive or withdrawn.

>> Unexplained bruises, scratches or marks.

>> Apologizing and/or making excuses for the dating partner.

>> Constantly checking cell phone or email. Responding immediately when contacted by dating partner. Getting upset when unable to respond.

If you suspect your child is in an abusive relationship:

>> Give your teen a chance to talk. Listen nonjudgmentally to the whole story.

>> Tell your child that you are there to help keep them safe.

>> If your teen does not want to talk with you, help find another trusted person for your child to talk with such as a counselor or community mental health professional.

>> Focus on your child’s safety and self-esteem. Bullying can leave a person feeling vulnerable or insecure, help your child work on their assertiveness and praise their resilience.

>> Talk about healthy and unhealthy behaviors. Create a “no secrets” policy and develop a safety plan with your teen so they know who to contact if they’re in an unsafe situation.

Start talking to your teen about healthy relationships well before they start dating. Provide your child with examples of healthy relationships in your own life. Point out healthy and unhealthy relationship behaviors in television, movies, and music and take an opportunity to talk to your child about what is appropriate and what is not.

It is never too early to teach your children to give and receive respect. No one has the right to make your child feel bad about themselves. No one has the right to insult, control, or hit another. Always keep the lines of communication open. Encourage your child to come to you. Support your child’s honesty and be ready to help. You do not have to navigate this alone. If you are concerned for your child, please reach out to a community or school professional.

As our children embark on their own personal journey of self-discovery to see themselves as leaders of tomorrow, it is our responsibility to equip them with the skills and values that will position them and our larger Hawaii community for success for generations to come.

Taran Chun, Ed.D., serves as po‘o kula (head of school) for Kamehameha Schools Kapalama.