November is Adoption Month.
While those of us who have dedicated our lives to adoption are grateful for the attention Adoption Month provides, we wish to take this opportunity to shed light on a few concerns.
Adoption used to be a taboo topic, back when unwed women were sent off to give birth and place their babies for adoption in secret. Now data indicates adoption is much more common than you might think: 1 in 25 U.S. families have an adopted child; one-third of all U.S. families have considered adoption; and 100 million people in the USA have adoption in their family.
(Hawaii has a rich history of adoption. To hanai a child — adopt — was common and children were more than occasionally placed with relatives and knew their family connections.)
Nonetheless, we continue to wreak havoc for adopted people through some outdated thinking and ignorance.
Here are 10 thoughts to consider during Adoption Month:
1) Adoption is usually born out of trauma or tragedy. It is not necessarily a celebratory experience. With this in mind, we walk the line, and prefer advocacy over celebration.
2) Any woman “choosing” to place a child for adoption will live with this pain for the rest of her life. Please consider whether your privilege prevents you from even considering the idea of placing a child for a adoption.
3) Adoption is not an abortion alternative.
4) Parents who adopt children are not heroes. Ideally we are selfishly motivated out of a desire to love, nurture and parent. Hopefully we can check our ego at the door when embarking on this most daunting task. It’s overwhelming to really think about how much is actually at stake.
5) Not sharing culture, ethnicity or genes with the parents who raise you puts one at a disadvantage. Privilege shows up in many ways.
6) Adopted people are not damaged goods; parents who aren’t knowledgeable about trauma and attachment can cause damage.
7) Our world is (currently still) a racist world. Children need to experience healthy examples of people who look like them. Period.
8) Please don’t say “You can always adopt!” Children are not commodities. Adoption should not be your solution to a problem. Each child is unique and deserves to be seen.
9) Examples of adopted people: Moses, Superman, Babe Ruth, Steve Jobs, Simone Biles and King David Kalakaua.
10) Too many children await permanency right now. Children are stuck in the foster care system, just wanting to belong to someone so they can start to relax and get on with the difficult business of growing up.
If you are interested in participating in this most challenging, rewarding and life-changing human relationship, please consider adopting a waiting child, or a foster child. These children are not causes; they offer so much more than we can ever give them. Being a parent is the greatest and most humbling experience.
November is Adoption Month but children will be waiting, and wanting families well through Thanksgiving. At Christmastime, too many thousand children will be sadly wishing they were with a family. Come New Year, the same. And on it goes. Children need permanency to feel safe.
So we thank you for your attention, and nod your way for knowing that this month is set aside for thinking about adoption.
If you really want to make a difference, donate to an organization that’s helping children to be adopted, or consider if you have a place in your heart, home and brain for a waiting child.
Call us at A Family Tree and we will talk with you about how to start this process. For some of us, adoption month is every month, until no more orphans or foster children wait.
Kristine Altwies, a licensed psychotherapist specializing in trauma, is executive director/CEO of A Family Tree and Pono Roots Counseling Center.
