Among Asians in Hawaii, the topic of homosexuality was an absolute taboo," former Gov. Ben Cayetano wrote in his 2009 autobiography, "Ben: A Memoir."

In discussing dealing with what he called his brother Ken’s gayness, Cayetano wrote of his difficulty.

"We were not a family that knew how to discuss problems. … More than 35 years passed before Ken and I talked openly about his homosexuality. We were both in our 60s by then — both old enough to collect Social Security.

"Precious years — wasted in silence," wrote Cayetano.

This week the state Legislature may talk about whether Hawaii will become the 14th state to make same-sex marriage legal.

The U.S. Supreme Court decision on the federal Defense of Marriage Act essentially took the federal government out of the marriage business and said it is a decision for states to make.

The call now is for Hawaii to hold a special legislative session to change our marriage laws to allow gay marriage; today the law permits marriage between only a man and a woman.

While legislators in the House and Senate say both chambers have a majority to change the law, there is no great impetus to do it. Lawmakers were hoping that Gov. Neil Abercrombie, who strongly supports gay marriage, would lead the way, but he has not.

Abercrombie’s political advisers, according to Democrats in the House and Senate, are telling Abercrombie to soft-pedal the issue. The reasoning is that as an unpopular governor approaching a contested primary, calling attention or supporting a controversial issue would be politically risky. The Democrats say they have had no talks with Abercrombie urging a special session.

Within the Legislature, Senate President Donna Mercado Kim and House Speaker Joe Souki have not favored gay marriage, although as heads of their chambers they may simply be reluctant to oppose a majority.

Quietly, other opponents are saying that the marriage issue would be a cultural sea change.

"The entire paradigm of marriage will change; we will never go back," said one Democrat who requested anonymity.

At the same time, the debate comes amidst a changing world.

Fifteen countries, including Canada, Spain, Portugal, Argentina, Brazil and South Africa, allow same-sex marriage.

In 2006, Willie Nelson sang "Cowboys Are Frequently, Secretly Fond of Each Other," which his agent said would "give credence to something a lot of people have known for a long time. Being gay is nothing new. It’s gone on through history, whether it’s out on the plains or back in Roman times."

This August, John Berry, America’s ambassador to Australia, married his long-term partner of 17 years in a private same-sex ceremony in Washington, D.C. Berry is the former head of the Office of Personnel Management — which oversees the U.S. public service — and is the first openly gay U.S. ambassador to a major country as well as the highest-ranking openly gay man in United States history.

Also in August, Ed Murray, a Washington state senator, married his longtime partner, Michael Shiosaki. Murray is running for mayor of Seattle. His husband is planning director for the Seattle parks department.

Last week, the Social Security Administration began processing retirement spouse claims for same-sex couples. But for now, the payments are limited to couples living in states with the freedom to marry, which shows why the debate in Hawaii is important.

While Hawaii’s Legislature waits, the paradigm has shifted — and to rephrase Cayetano, precious time should not be wasted in silence.

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Richard Borreca writes on politics on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Reach him at rborreca@staradvertiser.com.