“As long as people use violence to combat violence, we will always have violence.”

— Michael Berg

Adult Friends for Youth (AFY) knows this all too well. For 36 years we have worked tirelessly to stop violence in schools and communities. Our agency serves disadvantaged youth who are at the highest risk of engaging in violent and criminal behavior. Most have either been through the justice system or have encountered law enforcement in some capacity.

We work with these youth to prevent violence — that was learned, came out of traumatic experiences or from discrimination. We are strong advocates for our youth, because often they have nobody to advocate for them. We often hear it starts at home. We agree, but what if there is no home or it’s dysfunctional or no parents? Then what? Research shows that children who are victims of trauma become violent and victimize others. We work to heal that trauma, and to change the prejudice and negative stereotypes that our kids experience in their lives.

In years past it felt as though there was an adversarial relationship between AFY and the police, especially because we worked with gang youth who broke the law and got into trouble. They viewed us as if we were harboring fugitives by simply working with them. The tension was real. Several years ago a staff member was arrested for “interfering with police” during a large brawl in Kalihi. From the staff member’s perspective, she was protecting her student. From the police’s perspective, we were interfering with their job. Who was right? Ultimately it doesn’t matter who was right. In the end, all sides lost. Our staffer was in jail and the youth had more anger toward law enforcement.

A meeting called by state Rep. John Mizuno to discuss the problems in Kalihi brought representatives from AFY, HPD and other community stakeholders. What resulted was both sides listening to each other and building the trust that both were here to make the community safe. We just approached the end goal differently. Both sides began making an effort to understand each other more.

We started with Sgt. Bryan Oato and now we are having conversations with many. His team even volunteered time for our alternative-education graduation, and helped our kids with their ties. The simple gesture made a huge impact. Our kids began to view police officers as people, and the officers began to see our youth as kids versus gang members. The stereotypes began to dissolve.

AFY believes that PEARL (Promoting-Peace, Empathy, Acceptance, Respect, and Love) is key to settling differences, including violence and discrimination that exist in society today.

Utilizing the principle of empathy “to put yourself in someone else’s shoes” before making a judgment is easier said than done, but it is important to remind ourselves and make the effort to do that.

It is not just the responsibility of some agencies or people to create positive change in our communities. We all play a part. Living life with the principles of PEARL will help us remove our stereotypes and treat others with more patience, understanding and kindness.

The PEARL approach can even be cost-effective. It aims at preventing issues before they become larger systemic problems.

For example, it costs roughly $4,500 a year to provide one youth with our services that are aimed at social-emotional learning and building coping skills. In comparison, it costs the state approximately $200,000 a year to house a youth, and if continued on that path, it will cost the state up to $70,000 a year to house him or her as an adult.

We teach our kids that violence does not solve violence, and to do so, we need to show them. Look at situations from all perspectives. The approach isn’t perfect; there are variables out of our control. But if we try to build bridges, accept people for who they are and lessen disparities, we can accomplish much more.