Thirty-four days after filing for divorce, Amy Marie Kaufman was shot to death Wednesday by her estranged husband, Christopher Brooks Kaufman, who then killed himself.

"In the Kaufman case we’re seeing that she was trying to leave the relationship, and that’s often the most dangerous time for the victim," said Veronika Geronimo, executive director of the Hawaii State Coalition Against Domestic Violence, a private nonprofit organization.

"As communities we need to stand up against violence and hold batterers accountable," she said.

Without identifying the man and woman whose bodies were found at a Wai­mea Bay home Wednesday morning, the Hono­lulu Medical Examiner’s Office found after autopsies yesterday that the woman was murdered, dying from multiple gunshot wounds to the head, and the man took his own life, dying from a gunshot wound to the head.

Friends and family have identified the people killed at Wai­mea as Amy Kaufman, 40, and Christopher Kaufman, 41. Amy Kaufman filed for a divorce Jan. 12 in Circuit Court.

The Oahu North Shore murder-suicide is not the only dramatic case of domestic violence this week. On Valentine’s Day a South Kona man allegedly poured a flammable liquid on his 26-year-old ex-girlfriend’s front porch, and himself, and wound up setting himself on fire. He was arrested after treatment at a hospital.

Domestic Violence Action Center Chief Executive Officer Nanci Kriedman said of the Kaufman case that the romantic notion that he was heartbroken is no justification for that kind of brutality and violence.

"You don’t have the right to kill somebody else who makes choices about their own life," she said. While some might feel compassion for the abuser’s suffering, "look at the suffering he left behind, two children, a community of friends and family and panic and terror in the family."

Domestic violence experts agree on one piece of advice — whether you are a victim, an abuser or a friend or family member of either: Seek help.

Myths, secrecy and shame still shroud domestic violence, with many victims still feeling, "I must have done something to deserve this," Kriedman said.

Kriedman said such news stories might cause some to think, "God, I wonder if my husband will make good on that threat, ‘If you ever leave me, I’ll find you. I’ll get you.’"

"We want to make sure that we remind people that if they feel scared and need help in thinking through their options safely and reach out to domestic violence programs, thinking that could have been me," Kriedman said.

If a woman is being threatened, she should report it to police, not excuse the abuser, blaming herself, and get coaching, understanding and guidance from people with domestic violence programs.

Geronimo said, "It’s important for the community to be supportive of victims when they seek out help and resources, and especially important to believe the victim."

Leaving an abusive relationship is a process, she said, and the victim must get help to develop a safety and escape plan by contacting domestic violence programs and advocates.

But friends of victims of domestic violence can help. Family and friends of abusers should also be alert to the symptoms of suicide and homicide, which can often be similar.

"These really are all cries for help," said Deb Goe­bert, associate professor in the psychiatry and public health departments at the University of Hawaii medical school. She said that from a psychological perspective they are from the same spectrum, "whether you’re turning it on yourself or you’re turning it outwardly."

Signs include rage, uncontrolled anger, increased substance use, pulling away from friends and family and regular activity, not sleeping well, being agitated and anxious, and big mood changes. A sudden calm might mean the person has made up his mind on what they’re going to do, Goebert said.

Honolulu police are trained on suicide awareness and will check to see whether a person is OK if someone calls police.

But she urges calling 911 if someone is talking or writing about threatening to hurt or kill themselves or someone else, if they are looking for ways to do that, and looking for lethal means.

"If you are thinking of killing yourself or someone else," call a suicide hot line, she said.

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