For Christmas Eve, we’ll leave the troubles of the world aside and share some of my favorite holiday quotations:
>> “A good conscience is a continual Christmas.” — Benjamin Franklin
>> “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.” — Phyllis Diller
>> “What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.” — Erma Bombeck
>> “Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we’re here for something else besides ourselves.” — Eric Sevareid
>> “I do like Christmas on the whole. … In its clumsy way, it does approach peace and good will. But it is clumsier every year.” — E.M. Forster
>> “There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?” — Conan O’Brien
>> “There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” — Bob Phillips
>> “Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.” — Charles M. Schulz
>> “Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.” — Oren Arnold
>> “More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.” — Linda Sunshine
>> “Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” — Tom Sims
>> “Blast this Christmas music. It’s joyful and triumphant.” — The Grinch
>> “A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.” — Melanie White
>> “People can’t concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the 25th of December.” — Ogden Nash
>> “There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.” — Milton Berle
>> “I celebrate everyone’s religious holidays. If it’s good enough for the righteous, it’s good enough for the self-righteous, I always say.” — Bette Midler
>> “If you haven’t got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.” — Bob Hope
>> “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.” — Winston Spear
>> “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” — Joan Rivers
>> “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa?” — Bart Simpson
>> “The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” — Jay Leno
>> “The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” — P.J. O’Rourke
>> “New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.” — James Agate
>> “I’m getting too old for this.” — Santa in “Elf”
Reach David Shapiro at volcanicash@gmail.com.
