You’re not fooling anybody.

By you, I mean the person driving down Kapiolani pretending you’re not looking at your phone but obviously looking at your phone.

And by anybody, I mean everybody. Pedestrians, other drivers, Japanese tourists on bikes. Police officers. Riders on the bus. Mynah birds looking down from tree limbs and utility lines. Everyone can tell you’re looking at your phone while driving. You know why? You totally look like you’re looking on your phone while you’re driving.

The elaborate choreography isn’t working.

The overly long, overly distant, far-too-serious gazes you stage at regular intervals look fake. You’re trying to convey, “Look at how careful I’m being!” But nobody scans the horizon so intently like that when they drive. Not even Danica Patrick. Not even Han Solo. It’s a poorly performed bit of acting meant to give the impression that you’re looking where you’re going. But you’re not looking where you’re going. You’re giggling at the phone in your lap every 20 seconds and making everyone around you nervous because you wait too long to get going when the light turns green.

Then there’s the one-handed steering. Though the ability to text with one thumb is impressive, the fact that your eyes are on the screen rather than the road is troubling. The combination one-hand steering and eyes-on-screen leads to over-steering. Over-steering leads to veering. Veering leads to crashing. It’s a very clear chain of events.

Worst of all, it’s the smiling. Nobody smiles in their car when they’re driving alone. They might laugh at something clever they hear on the radio, they might sing along to their ’90s jams, they might yell at other drivers, they might cry in frustration or while listening to their cry playlist, but it isn’t normal or natural to drive and smile. If you’re grinning while you’re driving, you’re carrying on a clandestine conversation with someone who isn’t in the car. If a phone isn’t involved, a psych eval may be in order.

There’s just no way to hide using a phone while driving. You need your hands to text. You need your hands to drive. You need your eyes to see the screen, but you need your eyes to see the road. It’s not multitasking if you can’t do both things at once. True, some don’t even try to hide the fact that they’re using their phone while driving, but those types are just being reckless. You are being both reckless and sneaky. That just somehow seems worse.

So this is what I want to say to you:

(And when I say “I,” I don’t mean the person who wrote this piece; I mean the person who clipped it out and taped it to your windshield or left it anonymously in your mailbox or tagged you on Facebook with a coy “in case you missed this” message.)

Go hands-free. If you refuse to save a life, even your own, at least save face. You’re not that good of an actor. Everyone can tell you’re on your phone.

Reach Lee Cataluna at 529-4315 or lcataluna@staradvertiser.com.