Mason Yasso, when you grow up, your parents have a heck of a story to tell you.
But if you can’t wait — and we understand that patience isn’t exactly one of your strengths — grab a bottle, give yourself a burp and try to stay awake as we present the authorized spoiler account of your birth.
Seems Mom and Dad (that’s psychologist Cheryl Andaya Yasso, 35, and Honolulu Fire Department Capt. Sheldon Yasso, 40, to the rest of us) were expecting you to arrive on or around Jan. 29.
But a week before you were due, the docs noticed that your mother’s amniotic fluid levels were low, and they tried to talk her into letting them induce birth.
No go, your folks said. They had taken a few natural-childbirth classes and were committed to delivering without artificial intervention.
A couple of days later, your mother’s contractions got more intense, and by 3 a.m. on the 25th, they were strong enough that your parents headed back to the hospital. But the visit was premature. Mom was only 3 centimeters dilated, and those contractions were still spread out by 10 minutes. So back home you all went.
It was still early, so Mom had lunch, took a nap, then watched a little TV. Dad figured a warm shower might help Mom relax, so he stripped down — hey, he’s your dad — and got it going.
"I walked over to the bathroom, just 20 feet away, and suddenly the contractions came one after the other," Mom said. "So Sheldon, who was naked, had to rush out of the shower, get dressed and get ready to go to the hospital."
But before she went anywhere, Mom figured she should use the bathroom first. Only when she set herself down, nature called in another direction.
It was obvious soon enough that you weren’t going to wait for any ride to the hospital. So Grandma Andaya got on the line with 911, and your dad kicked into firefighter mode.
Mind you, your father had been working for the Fire Prevention Bureau for the last several years — and even before then he’d never had to deliver a baby on his own.
"I hadn’t so much as put on a Band-Aid in seven years," he said laughing.
Not a problem. The friendly voice at the other end of the 911 call talked him through the tough stuff, including popping the amniotic sac, and you and Mom handled the rest.
It took just a couple of pushes for your head to appear. By that time Mom was laughing her head off.
"I don’t know why," she said. "I just thought it was hilarious. I laughed all the way to the ER."
The whole thing was over almost as quickly as it started. By the time your dad’s pals from the fire station showed up, you were already getting to know your parents, maternal grandparents and big brother, Kellen.
Your dad’s family on the Big Island couldn’t believe what had happened. Neither could your mom’s extended family on Maui.
But here you are — healthy, happy and growing bigger by the day.
It’s a crazy world, but you knew that, didn’t you?
Reach Michael Tsai at firstname.lastname@example.org.