Do you remember Face-o-Metrics? How about FloMotion? Or kitchen calisthenics? Me neither. But The New York Times recorded these and many, many other modern fitness fads, an exhausting — and often poignant — chronicle of pain, gain and some very peculiar practices. Taken as a whole, the paper’s coverage of the last half-century of exercise recalls the old joke, Samuel Johnson by way of Oscar Wilde, about second marriages: a triumph of hope over experience.

In the mid-1960s, companies like Shell Oil offered their female employees a program of self-improvement: five weeks’ worth of exercise, posture, etiquette and fashion titled Personality Workshop Inc. It was so successful with “the girls,” as they were called — otherwise known as secretaries — that their male managers signed up as well, to learn how to count calories, breathe properly by blowing up balloons and fling towels about to stay trim.

In 1966, Face-o-Metrics were taught at Alexander’s department stores. (It was an era when department stores were still gathering places, vibrant agoras for more than just shopping.) These facial workouts were invented by one Jessica Krane, the “prophet of the basic woo and the ostrich,” as the paper described her. The “basic woo,” the article went on to say, is the shape your mouth makes “as if one were uttering a very intense woo” — go on, try it — and its practice, with variations, promised to erase lines around the mouth. The ostrich, designed to banish double chins and jowls, required leaning your head back as far as possible.

Another exercise was to obscure your age, if you were a woman older than 25. The article portrayed Krane’s own face as being wrinkle free, though it pointed out, rather nastily, that she did look as if she were over 25.

In 1969, The Times declared that exercise studios, particularly those run by a certain Russian emigre, had become as modish as restaurants.

Women who were attuned to aspirational signifiers like the right hairdresser or, as the article said, “that little jewel of a manicurist” — these included a copywriter from Cosmopolitan, a filmmaker’s assistant and the wife of a television personality — were drawn to places like Alex &Walter on West 57th Street, where they might hang from rings like circus performers or real gymnasts.

More populist was an establishment that cannily operated across the street from Macy’s, where fashion collided with reality on a daily basis. The trauma of the dressing-room mirror greatly benefited the Health Spa, as it was blandly named, which saw as many as 400 clients a day. “Hot pants, especially, have gotten us a lot of clients,” its proprietor said.

Operating under the principle that “all women are sisters under their leotards,” the place was a favorite of switchboard operators, flight attendants, bookkeepers and, notably, Phyllis Chesler, the second-wave feminist author and psychologist, who offered, as the reporter wrote, “the women liberationist point of view.”

“Physical health is important to women,” Chesler said. “And they don’t get the same opportunities that men do to exercise their bodies.”

In 1973, two years before it went out of business forever, Arnold Constable, a carriage trade establishment on 40th Street and Fifth Avenue, offered working women lunchtime exercise classes. (Open since 1825, it was once the city’s oldest specialty store, and a favorite of Eleanor Roosevelt’s.)

One teacher performed her version of yoga and calisthenics in the windows, hoping to lure passers-by into her classes. The female reporter who had written so trenchantly about aspirational exercise also covered the Arnold Constable window act, in an article that included this unsisterly sentence: “Women shoppers, including one 200-pounder, looked on in envy.”

Oh to have been a participant in kitchen calisthenics, taught by Suzy Prudden, a co-author of “I Can Exercise Anywhere,” published in 1981. Couples wielding salad spinners whirled furiously to “Flight of the Bumblebee,” among other classical favorites that had been set to a disco beat.

“When you’ve finished making the salad, you’ll be very tense,” Prudden was quoted as saying, “so that means it’s time for the shake-the-salad-dressing exercise.”

When the movie “Flashdance” landed in 1983, with a sweaty flourish of leg warmers and scissored-up sweatshirts, its “calisthenic pornography,” as Janet Maslin put it in her review, was more than just filmmaker Adrian Lyne’s fantasy. To remind: Jennifer Beals (and her uncredited body double, a French dancer named Marine Jahan) played a welder who also worked as an exotic dancer, and dated her older boss.

Young women had already begun to sport leg warmers as a fashion statement, though not, as their forebears did, to signal an allegiance to the ballet barre, but to prove membership in a new tribe of aerobics fanatics. Led by instructors who had become celebrities by virtue of their ability to bark exhortations that could be heard over the chorus of “It’s Raining Men,” they imagined that contorting to Pat Benatar would be a transformative experience.

Still, by 1985, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that only 7.5 percent of the population had engaged in aerobic activity at least three times a week.

“I believe we’re becoming less active,” a prescient epidemiologist said in 1990. “We’re an information society. It keeps us at our desks.”