Numerous dubious sources indicate the NBA has approved the sale of the Cleveland Cavaliers, who will move to Honolulu in time for next season.
Word spread faster than a UH football assistant coaching change that the relocation is at the request of LeBron James, who will be part-owner and player-head coach of the renamed Kakaako Kimos.
Stephen A. Smith guaranteed it on his Twitter feed, after James’ middle-school coach’s neighbor’s 9-year-old niece broke the news on her MySpace page, seconds ahead of a TMZ report.
James associate William "World Wide Wes" Wesley declined comment, other than, "I am on my third Mai Tai. You figure it out, brah."
NBA commissioner David Stern quickly removed any doubt. "Approval was easy, as this was a no-brainer for the future of our league. We really need to fill that 1 a.m. East Coast TV time slot. What’s a 10-hour plane ride once in a while? These guys are pros, they can handle it."
In addition to James, the new ownership group includes Gensiro Kawamoto, Boyd Entertainment and The Most Interesting Man in the World.
"In the past 45 years, Honolulu and Cleveland have the same number of championships in major pro sports: Zero. So maybe it’s time to give us a chance," said Kimos GM Riley Wallace.
James’ Cavaliers teammates have all been released. Anthony Carter, Roderick Flemings, Derrick Low and Ah Chew Goo are expected to join James in the Kimos’ starting five, with Barry the Bomber Obama coming off the bench.
Kakaako will play its home games at the old Word of Life gym, although state and city officials said the Stan Sheriff Center and Blaisdell Arena might be available as soon as the 2037-38 season.
JAMES WAS wooed and convinced by a delegation from the islands that visited him in his hometown of Akron, Ohio, including Mufi Hannemann and James "Duke" Aiona. The former Interscholastic League of Honolulu coaches vowed to shut down their gubernatorial campaigns to go to work on James’ staff.
"This is something we can all agree is more important than rail, education, the economy, the homeless problem and partisan politics," Hannemann said, while boxing out Aiona for the first public comment.
"Don’t forget civil unions," Aiona eventually managed.
In a somewhat related development, Neil Abercrombie’s campaign headquarters was being transformed into a boxercise studio.
"This is a major coup for the state," Hawaii Tourism Authority chief Mike McCartney said. "We had to sacrifice funding the Pro Bowl, the Sony Open, the Molokai Horseshoe World Championships and the Honolulu Marathon. Wait, we don’t fund the Honolulu Marathon. Anyway, it’s worth it."
Also, Hawaiian Airlines canceled its just-announced new route to Seoul and will instead fly nonstop daily to and from Cleveland. "Anything for the new Big Kahuna," a spokesman gushed.
WE FINALLY caught up with LeBron for an exclusive interview late last night.
"I was sold when the Governor agreed to replace the statue of King Kamehameha with one of me, King James. That certainly trumps the Bulls. I can’t be chasing MJ’s shadow, reminded of his greatness every time I go to work.
"New York, New Jersey, the Clippers? Nah. Miami? Forget about it. There’s no snow on South Beach. In Hawaii, if I get homesick for slush, I can go to the Big Island!"
James said the delegation brought him an exotic meal featuring tilapia from the Ala Wai Canal.
"Nearly as good as the walleye from Lake Erie. But the clincher is the world-famous Kakaako potholes. I’ll feel right at home."