Terminally ill woman holds party before ending her life
ASSOCIATED PRESS
Amanda Friedland, left, surrounded by friends and family adjusted her friend Betsy Davis’s sash as she lay on a bed during her “Right To Die Party” in Ojai, Calif.
SAN DIEGO » In early July, Betsy Davis emailed her closest friends and relatives to invite them to a two-day party, telling them: “These circumstances are unlike any party you have attended before, requiring emotional stamina, centeredness and openness.”
And just one rule: No crying in front of her.
The 41-year-old artist with ALS, or Lou Gehrig’s disease, held the gathering to say goodbye before becoming one of the first Californians to take a lethal dose of drugs under the state’s new doctor-assisted suicide law for the terminally ill.
“For me and everyone who was invited, it was very challenging to consider, but there was no question that we would be there for her,” said Niels Alpert, a cinematographer from New York City.
“The idea to go and spend a beautiful weekend that culminates in their suicide — that is not a normal thing, not a normal, everyday occurrence. In the background of the lovely fun, smiles and laughter that we had that weekend was the knowledge of what was coming.”
Davis worked out a detailed schedule for the gathering on the weekend of July 23-24, including the precise hour she planned to slip into a coma, and shared her plans with her guests in the invitation.
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More than 30 people came to the party at a home with a wraparound porch in the picturesque Southern California mountain town of Ojai, flying in from New York, Chicago and across California.
One woman brought a cello. A man played a harmonica. There were cocktails, pizza from her favorite local joint, and a screening in her room of one of her favorite movies, “The Dance of Reality,” based on the life of a Chilean film director.
As the weekend drew to a close, her friends kissed her goodbye, gathered for a photo and left, and Davis was wheeled out to a canopy bed on a hillside, where she took a combination of morphine, pentobarbital and chloral hydrate prescribed by her doctor.
Kelly Davis said she loved her sister’s idea for the gathering.
“Obviously it was hard for me. It’s still hard for me,” said Davis, who wrote about it for the online news outlet Voice of San Diego. “The worst was needing to leave the room every now and then, because I would get choked up. But people got it. They understood how much she was suffering and that she was fine with her decision. They respected that. They knew she wanted it to be a joyous occasion.”
Davis took her life a little over a month after a California law giving the option to the terminally ill went into effect. Four other states allow doctor-assisted suicide, with Oregon the first in 1997.
Opponents of the law warn it could become a way out for people who are uninsured or fearful of high medical bills.
Marilyn Golden of the Disability Rights Education & Defense Fund, said her heart goes out to anyone dealing with a terminal illness, but “there are still millions of people in California threatened by the danger of this law.”
Davis spent months planning her exit, feeling empowered after spending the last three years losing control of her body bit by bit. The painter and performance artist could no longer stand, brush her teeth or scratch an itch. Her caretakers had to translate her slurred speech for others.
“Dear rebirth participants you’re all very brave for sending me off on my journey,” she wrote in her invitation. “There are no rules. Wear what you want, speak your mind, dance, hop, chant, sing, pray, but do not cry in front of me. Oh, OK one rule.”
During the party, old friends reconnected and Davis rolled in and out of the rooms in her electric wheelchair and onto the porch, talking with her guests.
At one point, she invited friends to her room to try on the clothes she had picked out for them. They modeled the outfits to laughter. Guests were also invited to take a “Betsy souvenir” — a painting, beauty product or other memento. Her sister had placed sticky notes on the items, explaining each one’s significance.
Wearing a Japanese kimono she bought on a bucket-list trip she took after being diagnosed in 2013, she looked out at her last sunset and took the drugs at 6:45 p.m. with her caretaker, her doctor, her massage therapist and her sister by her side. Four hours later, she died.
Friends said it was the final performance for the artist, who once drew pictures on a stage with whipped cream.
“What Betsy did gave her the most beautiful death that any person could ever wish for,” Alpert said. “By taking charge, she turned her departure into a work of art.”
57 responses to “Terminally ill woman holds party before ending her life”
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California approved a new doctor-assisted suicide law for the terminally ill? Where’s ours? Ah, nebah mine. Can use a Saturday night special .38. No forms to fill out, and no permission to acquire. Just say Ah and swallow.
Any consideration for the family member that has to clean the bits of your brains, skull, hair, and blood off the wall?
Do it in front of you worst neighbor’s house.
Seems like that might be your own house.
We wouldn’t have quite put it that way, nomu. Glad we aren’t confused with your postings even now and in the future.
Good comment, as a counselor those are exactly a concern
You seem to be a person who doesn’t care about how that would affect the people that found you or left behind. You could never have to courage and love in this woman’s heart.I actually feel sorry for you.
I imagine that no one really knows what is right or moral except that person. It was her decision and we should respect it. May God Bless.
courageous lady. RIP
I agree completely.
Heck of a story … wish Hawaii had this law …
“Opponents of the law warn it could become a way out for people who are uninsured or fearful of high medical bills.” So these opponents will foot all the medical bills, underwrite all of the caretakers and caregivers needed to support people who actually may be in real pain and suffering, and who are just plain tired of it all?
Exactly! So these opponents think those that are sick should suffer with the medical bills? Life is hard enough without being ill and having to deal with hugh money issues.
No these opponents are strong supporters of the NRA. Just remember around 50% of gun deaths in this country are suicides. Main reason to have a gun it seems.
ALS is a cruel disease that slowly paralyzes the person till their body can’t breathe. Sad, but almost understandable.
I can’t even imagine living with ALS. It would be like being trapped and you can’t get out. I think I would want to end it the way she did, and saying good bye to everyone while you still can. Sad, but almost understandable says it best.
Ditto.
I do wonder how this affects live insurance.
If I were in the same position, I’d take the “accelerated benefit”. Set aside a portion of the cash to take care of final expenses and the family when I”m gone, then party with the rest of the cash. Being that in most cases life insurance doesn’t pay if you commit suicide, the insurance company will be SOL since they already paid out my accelerated benefit. 🙂
Good information but I was wondering if it would change with the new law.
I don’t know if it’s changed, but years ago, most life insurance policies included wording that the policy was voided if the insured person took his or her life within two years of the policy effective date. The policies would pay for suicides occurred after that two year period.
Agree, that was my impression! The policy had a specific condition that related to suicide and the 2 years was the condition. My policy is over 55 years old and still in effect, although very nominal.
cojef, so you’re saying a 90-something year old like you has a life insurance policy that never expired? That’s incredible!
Beautiful story about a woman who left this plane of existence on her own terms. Everyone should have the same choice. Who the hell has the right to tell someone who is terminally
ill or on their last legs that they have to live in misery until your life mercifully comes to an end.
So courageous, beautiful and heart breaking. I think if this happened to one of my dear friends, I wouldn’t have been able to comply with the no crying rule.
Rest In Peace.
suicide is wrong
I agree with you. But I guess people have their own choice to make. No condemnation from me for this woman.
based on what? A religious belief? A moral belief? I’d rather be allowed to slip away gracefully and not burden my friends and relatives with the financial and emotional cost of a prolonged battle. Personally I’d prefer to give back to Mother Earth by throwing on a weight belt and jumping overboard into about 1000ft of water a little north of here. None of us gets outta here alive!!!! “I’d rather die while I’m living than to live when I’m dead”- Jimmy Buffett
In this case it is not. This was not a spur of the moment decision. This person had to be suffering so badly mentally and physically due to her incurable disease for such a long term, death was preferable to life. Nothing wrong with that.
Read the article again and this time make sure you understand what you read before you comment.
In the end anyone who is suffering should be able to make their own decisions to live or not. Why suffer? I for one would not want to suffer a slow painful death.
Agreed.
From here to eternity, to those whose belief in their God forbid taking one’s own life, will leave this earth when, where and how God call them home. God bless them! To those that love their lives and choose to leave this earth doing it their way, the beautiful legacy of love for family and friends will be remembered. God bless them! To all that don the robe of Judge, let their conscience and love of their fellow men be their guide. God bless them! God, bless us all with your kindness and merciful love and forgive us for our trespasses against your fifth commandment!
Nice comment assuming you believe in a Christian God, what about the multitudes of other faiths without a fifth commandment? Are we a Christian nation or a secular nation? If we are truly secular, then the government has no business writing laws based on the Christian faith correct? Very interested how folks view this, please comment….thanks.
There are countries that consider themselves secular (such as France), but our country does not. But ioho, people should have the right to choose.
You are correct. It says so in our pledge of allegiance : “One nation under God…” And I agree that people should have a right to choose their fate when faced with this kind of situation.
We are a secular nation. As for the pledge that was only recently added. (Eisenhower). Read the original pledge. No such commie wording.
The “In God we Trust” motto was added somewhat earlier.
It first appeared on money during the Civil War.
“If you believe in God, no explanation is necessary. If you do not believe in God, no explanation is possible.”
You got it backwards chicken wiz – if you do not believe in God, no explanation is necessary.
“what about the multitudes of other faiths without a fifth commandment”
I am assuming that you mean the version where the fifth is “do not kill”
In some form, I think this appears in all the major religions.
I can imagine religions where arbitrary killing of other people might be considered a good thing, but I do not think it would be protected under the constitution.
The wizard of chickens wrote “God” six times in his comment, which is six times too many for me. No point in preaching to others who don’t share your beliefs, and by all means don’t judge.
“Read the article again and this time make sure you understand what you read before you comment.”
Apparently you didn’t.
We are called upon to make judgements every day, and hope to do the best we can.
If you are referring to Jesus’s preaching, it is my impression that what he was saying was “do not be a hypocrite”.
Wizard of Humbug. We were given a brain to make our own decisions. There is no dignity to allow oneself to slowly waste away.
“Opponents of the law warn it could become a way out for people who are uninsured or fearful of high medical bills.” So what? It is none of their business. They have no right to impose their morals or mythology on other people. If these people are so pro-life, they should protest our government’s endless wars. As rytsuru asks, are these people going to pay the medical bills terminally ill people face?
Good points whs1966!!!! Medical costs are astronomical and if your are suffering and terminally ill, why prolong your agony and leave a financial burden for your family to carry.
RIP Betsy Davis. I admire your courage.
Reminds me of a very well done episode of Grace and Frankie where their friend Babe throws herself a party before taking the drugs that would end her life.
Life is a testing ground. No one gets out alive. If I had to go through what this wonderful person had to go through, I would definitely pull the plug.
We need this law in Hawaii.
Terminally ill? A doctor determines who is terminally ill or a diagnoses of an incurable disease? If there is no cure only the retardation or completeness of a cure? Can think of many chronic conditions that have no cure! Dementia, Diabetes, and Alzheimer are some of the more common conditions? Coping with the degradation of one’s health can be very hard to endure and costly! One should have a right to call it quits if one’s mental state dictate it so? This is the one with the most controversy!
God bless you sweetie.
I remember reading The Death of Ivan Illych, by Tolstoy.
The main character lies dying, in terrible pain.
At some point he realizes:
“False. Everything by which you have lived and live now is all a deception, a lie, concealing both life and death from you.”
In this difficult process of dying he is transformed and thinks:
“So that’s what it is!” he suddenly exclaimed aloud. “What joy!”
Can we know where someone is, in their heart and soul?
If not, can we so freely accept assisted suicide?
That being said, I understand that this seems theoretical when you consider the individual tragic circumstances of of this young woman.
Wow! Somber but yet beautiful story about Betsy who planned her own tastefully done departure party. If I was suffering like she was, I’d want to plan something similar, although probably not as creative as Betsy the artist. We put family pets out of their misery when they are suffering and on their last legs, but in most States we are not allowed to so this for ourselves. Thank God I have family in CA, so when it’s my time to go I’m ready to be there.
You go girl! And she did.