BY WENDIE BURBRIDGE / Special to the Star-Advertiser
Dear “Hawaii Five-0” Villains,
After the roller coaster ride that was season two, I wanted to thank you fine specimen of bad guys, mayhem makers, and evil doers, for making this season so exciting and well worth my television viewing time.
You all made life very difficult for my favorite heroes — McGarrett, Danno, Chin and Kono — this season, and it was hard not to hate you all. But now that summer is here and I have time to sit back with a Longboard from Kona Brewing and watch reruns, I have come to see that extreme dislike as being almost close to, dare I say, admiration.
If there is a thin line between love and hate, then I am definitely straddling that line, because some of you special few were pretty damn fantastic villains. Albeit, most of the villains from season two are dead, in prison, or even worse, in the wind with Five-0 chasing after you, but I’m sure your return, intended or not, is much anticipated by all of us standing on that thin line.
To the mayhem maker, Toothpick (Karl Herlinger), from “Ua Hala:”
Toothpick, you may have only been in the season finale, but the impact you made on all of us was a big one. Shooting the beloved Mrs. Kelly and tossing our team heroine Kono into the drink was a big, naughty no-no, but the way you chewed on those wooden namesakes made us all want more of you, in a strange way.
Much like the guy we know we shouldn’t bring home to meet mom and dad, we all waited to see what kind of bad news you were going to deliver to our team. And deliver you did. You eye-assaulted our Kono, you stalked our team, you let Fryer get shot to death, you probably watched while HPD headquarters blew up and basically let the team walk into a gunfight with a vengeful gun expert.
Not to mention what you did to Malia and Kono, and for all intents and purposes, to Chin Ho. In just about one day, you succeeded in creating more mayhem than one human villain should be allowed to do.
I tip my own newsboy cap to you Mr. Toothpick. And I think your next box of toothpicks is on me.
To the ex from hell, Rick Peterson (Peter Greene) from “Mai ka wā kahiko:”
One thing I think most people would agree with me on, would be that a visit from an ex always spells out bad news. I mean, even if they show up on your island and want to have cocktails to talk about old times, that can’t be good right?
But when they show up and kidnap your daughter, hold her hostage, and make you shoot someone to teach you a lesson, that’s even worse.
So Mr. Peterson, ex-con as well as Danno’s ex-partner, you definitely get the Ex from Hell Award. Next time you have an axe to grind, perhaps you should call your shrink and make an appointment before you get on a plane, kill someone en route to sunny Hawaii, and head after your ex-partner for a sweet tête-à-tête.
Just have a Mai Tai on the flight over and think about visiting the surf and riding waves instead. I’m sure any ex would appreciate your change of heart.
To August March (Ed Asner) from “Kālele:”
The one type of bad guy “Hawaii Five-0” seems to love to use are the ones who are wolves in sheep’s clothing. And nothing is more like sheep’s clothing to anyone young and moral, but an old man who seems like someone’s grandpa.
But you, Mr. March, are just that. A wolf. And your sheep’s costume was definitely your kind smile, your “I’ve learned my lesson and just want to be left alone” attitude, as well as the below the belt “I knew your father, he was a good man” conversation you threw at our trustworthy McG. All very sneaky moves, Mr. March. I know many of us were not at all surprised that you were the mastermind of a major diamond heist and not only got away with the goods and the money, with no one ever being the wiser.
Thank you for teaching me never to turn my back on the buyer. Heck, I’ll never turn my back on anyone, after watching you, Mr. March.
To the Bad Cop, Frank Delano (William Baldwin):
As far as good cops go, there are many examples in “Hawaii Five-0,” but as far as bad cops, you, Delano, seem to have taken the title. In four episodes, you have proceeded to dirty our Kono, get her shot in the shoulder, distrusted by her own team, and then, of course, having her kidnapped and killed (well, we hope not, but that’s what it looks like as of the season ender.) Not to mention what you have done to Chin and Malia.
Now, I know you are an ex-cop, but some of your dirty work started when you were on the force, and you seem to think you should still be a cop. Good luck with that one. But let me tell you, Delano, you definitely were not cut from the same cloth as any good cop. Especially the new kind of cops that McG, Danno, Chin Ho, and Kono embody.
When McG and Danno catch up with you — I know they will do the right thing and put you back in jail, but I kind of hope they accidently let Kamekona sit on you, or find a shark tank with your name on it. Giving you a ride on the hood of Danno’s car would be okay too. Or letting you hang off a building until you told them where Toothpick is hiding out would be fine as well.
Either way, you’re going down, Delano, you can count on that.
To the constant nemesis, Wo Fat (Mark Dacasco):
I would be remiss if I did not thank you, Wo Fat, for making every episode with you a treat to watch. You are the juxtaposition of grace and evil, coupled with your stony unfeeling face and actions.
Watching you fight is like watching ballet; I just wish your dance floor wasn’t McG’s face. And when you tortured him with water and electricity — I’m sure there were women around the world taking out their DVD collections of “The Sopranos” so they could try and figure out how to dispose of a body and not get caught.
I think the most evil thing I have seen you do, besides batter Joe White and McG (twice!) was when you shot Jenna in cold blood. Way heartless, Wo. But now you are in jail, and while I’d hope you will rot there until the temperature dips in hell, I have a funny feeling you will be out in season three to commence with your malice and continue with your own search for Shelburne. And won’t that be fun to watch. I can’t wait.
ALL IN ALL, past, present, and future villains, you have a lot to contend with if you want to come after our Five-0 team. You might be the core of evil, but they for sure are fully equipped to deal with whatever you have to hurl at them. Just be ready to get a big dose of backlash, awesome defensive maneuvers, as well as heavy firepower. Because it will be there to meet you, and beat you, every step of the way.
Until next season,
The Five-0 Redux
Redux Side Note:
“Hawaii Five-0” celebrated Memorial Day with a rebroadcast of “Ike Maka,” which I wrote about in “Identifying the commonplace face.” Next week’s episode is a repeat of the episode with special guest star Jimmy Buffett, “Ki‘ilua,” when the team heads to North Korea to save McGarrett from Wo Fat’s tortuous clutches. At least for the next two weeks, we’ll get a few exciting replays from the second season.
If you want to hear one of our favorite villains, Karl Herlinger, share a lot about how he tackles his characters with evil gusto, check out Amy Bakari’s “In My Pajamas Show.” Listen to Karl speak to “Hawaii Five-0” fans who call into the show with their questions, and learn about is interesting acting career from Hawaii to the stage in New York to television and film in Los Angeles.
A big mahalo goes out to Gaby for her help with some of the screen caps of various villains. You can follow her on Twitter.
Wendie Burbridge is a published writer, playwright and a teacher of literature and fiction writing at Kamehameha Schools-KapƒÅlama. Reach her on Facebook and on Twitter.